Originally published by The Clifton Courier, February 24, 2020

I’ve never been big into tennis. 

Tennis was one of those sports that required you to show some degree of athleticism, which wasn’t really my jam as a youngster. So I never took to the courts. 

And I grew up in quite a strict rugby league household. Footy – which is to say, the NRL, not Union or that scrappy AFL business – was the only sport that was ever played on our green-tinged television (back in the day we had this big old TV which had a dome-like glass screen encased in a chipboard box with a classy wood-look vinyl finish. We had no idea how green the screen was until people came over and informed us we were watching the world through green-tinted lenses).

Tennis never got a look in. 

So I’ve never had an in-depth grasp of the mechanics of the game. I mean, sure, I knew it involved a net, a ball and a whole bunch of groaning, but that was kind of it. 

Last year I went to a friendly tennis competition, which is to say a friend had a bunch of us around for beers and a barbecue at his family property, which had an old tennis court out the back. There were enough of us there to play in pairs, which, for those of you playing along at home, is also called “doubles”. 

I didn’t know how to play tennis exactly, but I had a rough idea of how to hit a ball with a blunt object. I’d played softball (not well, mind you). I’d held my own at handball back in the day. And, most importantly, loved that scene on Parent Trap where one of the iterations of Lindsay Lohan says “I’ll take a whack at it”. I was willing to have a whack at it.

What we ended up playing was something I dubbed “keep it live”, which was a hybrid of tennis, volleyball and that game you used to play as a kid when you had a balloon that, under no circumstances, was allowed to touch the floor. 

Basically, you had to keep the ball in motion, even if that meant hitting it a few times on your side of the net. There were no points, but you were the loser if you failed to keep the ball bouncing. This approach to the game made for some dramatic, desperate hits that were fun to watch and participate in. 

In my highly educated opinion, it’s much more enjoyable than the regular way of playing the game. In most circumstances, I’d recommend it over the current, strictly regimented game. This version is much, much cooler.

For example, this… more organic form of the game is well suited to family barbecues and Sunday seshes. But I understand that there are more formal tournaments out there that call for more structured play.

I suppose the Australian Open is one such tournament.   

Like, I can only imagine the online bickering that would erupt if the rules were loosened just a bit. And I’m not saying that tennis isn’t great to watch, but while watching the finals the other night, it occurred to me that the addition of a few new rules would make for even more interesting viewing. I made these observations to my couch doubles partner, but the reception wasn’t as warm as I was hoping for – except for one suggestion. I mean, said couch doubles partner hates the idea of Keep It Live and is a real stickler for the rules on the court, so I suppose it’s it no big surprise that my ideas were shot down. But, look, you can be the judge – here are my humble suggestions: 

Play on: I know that when the ball bounces out of the square, it’s out. But I reckon there should be a rule where, if someone plays the ball after it goes out, they should lose the point unless they shout “play on!” before the ball comes into contact with their racquet. Just like handball. It keeps both players on their toes. It means they have to ready to call out their opponent. 

Net rebounds: I don’t think that nipping the net should be the end of it. Not if you’re hungry enough. Not if you want it that badly. Not if you’re willing to go in and keep it alive. If it hits the net but you’re able to play at it, rebound style, then it should be play on. 

One racquet per game: If you smash your racquet in a fit of rage, you have to keep playing with it. This was the rule that got the nod of approval. Reckon I’ve got a shot at getting it accepted at an international tournament level?