Published in On Our Selection News June 26, 2014

Why say what you wanted to say verbally and say what you didn’t mean to say when you can say what you actually meant to say in text form?

While the richest form of communication is face-to-face, I have found that I often over-indulge in text-based exchanges. The geographical isolation from many of my friends combined with a slightly obsessive need for control means that I rely heavily on social networking sites to interact with those I love, am friendly with and tolerate. There’s an old theory which goes something like “you cannot not communicate”. The less confusing non- double negative version: you’re always communicating. How? Well that is because there are lots of different ways you can communicate. With clothing, say a uniform, you can communicate that you’re part of a team. When you’re laying down, breathing heavily and drooling, your body language says you’re asleep. HOWEVER the message sent out (intentionally or not) is distorted by the receiver’s personal interpretation of the message. So while you seeing me in my touch jersey might make you think that I am somewhat good at team sports, this can be very different from the truth, which is that I was a part of that team purely to make up numbers, and the laying face down in my own drool thing could mean someone is actually more on the passed out side of sleeping.

My point is that whether you know it or not, in varying scales of intensity of interest, everything you do, say, wear or even don’t do is informing others’ perceptions of you. Accurately or not. It’s no wonder that people (i.e. me) communicate by controlled means, in ways they craft the messages to be received by the receiver. I wasn’t so self aware of this tendancy I had until Saturday, when I was browsing in my favourite low-cost department store. I recognised a girl who used to go to my school, who happens to regularly post hilarious statuses on Facebook. Lost in a world of one-dollar-one-pieces, I wandered off without even acknowledging her existence. It wasn’t until I was considering buying 20 five dollar dressing gowns that it struck me that I was more willing to chuck her a like on the internet, than I would be interpersonally. And as someone who (unfoundedly) likes to think of herself as a social genius, this stung a little.

So I challenged myself to give her a verbal thumbs up. It didn’t go well. There I was, clutching my unethically priced item, baring my soul to a very uncomfortable girl who had been ambushed in the slippers aisle. I thought I was being an encouraging stranger, making her day, while she thought I was a jittery creep. It became very obvious that controlling how the receiver interprets a message is much easier via text, when their wide-eyed reaction can’t throw you off your game.

Luckily, I have a column. And while others have to process their social ineptitude and verbal clumsiness in conversations critical to their self confidence, I get to lie to myself that it was all for research. Maybe I thought about writing a column on this topic before I went up to her, maybe I didn’t, but that’s a problem for my subconscious to deal with. And perhaps my future therapist.