Everybody feels like a stale crumbling turd from time to time.

This is a scientific fact. Sometimes we feel all shiny and bouncy, but other times we feel like a beach ball the dog got a hold of and tore with his teeth: deflated, useless and covered in drool. It’s not a great feeling.

It’s a good time to talk about this because, according to all the Facebook posts, it’s national R U Ok day today. While it’s the only day a year I don’t seethe silently at the use of letters instead of words for words, it’s also a good time for people to be honest about what’s going on with them. It’s a good time to talk about feeling a little lost or sad or like a steaming pot of shit soup. We’ve all hit lows, and I’m not just talking about those inappropriate slut drops at school discos the chaperones would rather not have to address.

Sometimes you just can’t shake dem blues. It happens from time to time. Sometimes seeing a doctor is the best way to tackle what you’re going through. Talking to a mental health professional can be the most effective way to deal with what’s getting in the way of you doing your thang.

Now, I’m no expert (which you might have picked up by my use of the word “thang”) but I like to try to help – it makes me look like a top bloke. I also love to talk about myself. And I really love when people model their lives after mine (it hasn’t happened yet, but I’m sure I‘d like that). So for anyone who is lost enough to look to me for guidance I have make the following offerings. They’re just a few little things to do if you’re not feeling like all that and a bag of chips. They’re not life changers, but they’ve helped me in the past. Because, as the old saying goes, you can’t polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter. You can also stick a cocktail umbrella in it, press into the shape of a star and give it a mini feather boa. There’s literally hundreds of ways to glam up a turd that doesn’t involve polish of any kind.

1) If you’re feeling glum and you have glasses, put on your pair from your previous prescription for about half an hour. Yes, this may make you dizzy, dangerous behind the wheel of machinery of any kind and look extremely out-dated (circles are the new rounded-rectangles, after all). But go with it. Then, once you’re slightly used to the blurred vision of the world, chuck on your latest prescription and notice just how much fucking detail is in the world. You can see leaves! You can see into windows! You can see that used condom lying on the footpath! The world is beautiful.

2) If you’re not great at talking to people, go to a high-care nursing home and chat to the old biddies. It make you feel like a decent person for paying lonely people a visit, but it also is a great way to build your interpersonal skills without having to worry about what the other person thinks of you – depending on the residents’ level of dementia they won’t remember what you said anyway. But even though they may not remember you, being there puts a smile on their dials. Plus, there are a lot of uneaten up-for-grabs afternoon tea treats that sit in the fridges of such establishments – I know from experience.

3) I have two words for you: Sister and Act. I don’t care if you’re not religious. I don’t care if you hate 90’s music. And I don’t give two hoots if you’ve disagreed with some of Whoopi Goldberg’s comments on The View. Because this isn’t about that, this is about the power of song. Get on to YouTube, look up Oh Happy Day and go down a goose-bump inducing wormhole of funky choir renditions. I dare you to watch Sister Mary Lazarus rap latin with Whoopi and not smile.

4) While you’re on the ‘tube, punch in “Janet Jackson” and “Escapade” and let your shoulders do the talking. It’s pretty hard not to strut fabulously to this song, even while sitting down.

5) Go to your nearest bakery, pick up a bunloaf and actually pop in to visit someone. My Dad has this habit of always having something on him when he “goes into town” so if he drops round to someone’s place, he’s not empty handed. Sometimes it’s pumpkins he grew from the horse shit in our backyard, other times it’s two bags of donuts when one would have sufficed. I recommend our unofficial family motto: say it with hot chook. Have a face-to-face gasbag with someone you just bloody love and talk about your fucking feelings. Then ask about theirs. Continue this process until there are only crumbs left, the tea has gone cold and you’ve Facebook stalked at least one mutual friend you lost contact with years ago.

I guess the real point I want to make here is for bastards to look out for themselves and their mates. If you’re feeling rotten, talk about it. Seek help. If you’re worried about someone, ask how they’re going and be around. At best you could save a life, and at worst you have leftover bunloaf to deal with (which is the best kind of worst there is, if you ask me).