Originally published by The Clifton Courier, February 16, 2023

When was the last time you listened to your voicemail message?

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the voicemails people have left for you which are, more often than is reasonable, ambient recordings of someone fumbling around with their phone, unaware they’re leaving a message. I’m talking about the recording of your voice that plays when someone’s trying to ring you but you’re busy/sleeping/avoiding their call so you can’t answer the phone. 

I’m asking this because I listened to mine the other day for the first time for what could very well have been more than a decade. 

I’d missed a call from a colleague who had to check they had the right number for me because my voice message apparently sounded nothing like me.

And it occurred to me that I didn’t even know what my voicemail message actually said. I assumed it was a polite and informative recording, but I had no evidence to support that assumption. All I had was a vague recollection of a friend telling me that I sounded really young in the message and the realisation that I’d received that feedback a few years ago and did nothing about it.  

I mean, why would I know what my voicemail message says? I never have to call myself and leave a message, you know?!

So I put my phone on loudspeaker and dialled my own number. 

Turns out my message didn’t say who I was. I told people to press has for some reason. And I sounded like a seven-year-old talking while pinching their nostrils closed.  

And, look, as someone who gets about the office in horse print socks with sandals and puts on a lot of silly voices, I’ll admit that I live by a fairly loose definition of professionalism and maturity. But even I have standards. 

I was somewhat concerned to think about how many people had called me and heard that message. Because I’ve had that voicemail message for aaages. 

I’ve had the same mobile phone number since my friends pooled their money to buy a Nokia 3315 for my birthday present going into Grade 8. I’ve had the same brand of phone for the past decade at least, and any time I’ve got a new handset all my settings carry over so I’ve never had to re-record my voice message. So I just… haven’t. 

It makes me wonder how often people update their voicemail messages and if it’s something I should have been doing more regularly.

Like, I haven’t changed my Facebook profile photo in a while. It was taken at a friend’s 21^st and my friends and I are now well and truly into The Year Of Thirty. I haven’t changed the way I drink my tea since I started drinking it like 15 years ago. And most of my pop culture references are still from the era of television when The Simpsons was played at 6pm every weeknight.

It just never really occurs to me to update things just for the sake of it. 

And now I’m not really sure what my new voicemail message should say. 

Obviously I’ll include my name and an insincere apology for not answering the phone but what else do I actually need to say?

I mean, people often tell other people to leave their number, but I’m really bad at listening and have to replay the message a few times to jot down their phone number. And, more often than not, you’ll have the redial option of a missed call notification so you don’t really need their number anyway. 

And often I actually don’t want people to leave a voice message because I always forget to listen to them. Texting me would be more convenient and efficient. But saying “heyyy it’s Dmags, sozzies for not answering, text me the deets” or “oi, just shoot me a text hey” probably doesn’t project the level of professionalism I’m going for if someone had to contact me for work. But being too professional and clinical would make me sound like a pompous clown. 

Then there’s the whole dilemma of trying to work out how you actually even change your voice message in the first place. 

It all seems like a bit much. So maybe I might just leave it a while* longer… 

* Yeah, look, I still haven’t changed it. In fact, I don’t even know how.