Yeah nah: Rolling into work on a public holiday.

Nah yeah: Interpreting the direction to “dress casually” as “go for it – wear those bright pink track pants to work girl!”.

Yeah nah: The weather being so fuck-off cold that woollen gloves are insufficient.

Nah yeah: Proclaiming “hooray for menopause” during a checkout conversation. It’s a long story.

*Long story short:

Me, referring to the terrible weather to lady behind me: Another beautiful day in paradise… 

Lady: I love this weather… I’ve been out all morning getting photographs of leaves. *goes spiel I can’t recall word-for-word about how getting up early is the best time to photograph leaves, as the sun changes the colour*

Me: Don’t you hands get cold?

Lady: No, I get hot flushes so it’s ok. I’m of that age.

Me: Hooray for menopause!

Checkout lady: *says nothing but looks both amused and wildly uncomfortable*

Legend of a lady: When it’s so cold I’m about 35 degrees. I look for the postives.

Yep. This woman is a deadset champ.

This is yet another reason why you should NEVER go with the self-service option.

Yeah nah: Spelling “education” wrong in the paper, thus making one of the most ironic spelling mistakes in history. 

Nah yeah: Redeeming myself by being the only member of my trivia team to correctly identify Kevin Bacon. Clearly, all is not lost. 

Nah yeah: Getting a “bless you” in mere milliseconds after a coworker sneezed. 

Yeah nah: Following it up with an “I know your body” when said sneezer was amazed at my ability to anticipate his sneeze. I have to stop assuming people have seen Dude Where’s My Car as many times as I have. I can’t keep doing this to myself. 

Further, my desire to bless these sneezers immediately afterwards raises a lot of questions. At best, I caRe somewhat for their soul’s wellbeing (Catholic schools and their rumours about stopped hearts and human spirit escaping bodies via nasal passages…). At worst, my chronic craving for attention compels me to stoop as low as to steal the limelight from someone spraying mucus through their face. The thing is that I already know the answer (hence the whole blog-centred-entirely-on-me thing I have going on here).  

Yeah nah: You know who I’m not going to reply to at 3am? Someone who uses the wrong “too”. No siree Bob. Nah yeah: Obviously managing to pick up from my conversation starter of ,”do you ever get chicken wings stuck in your beard?” and likening someone to the male lead in Roald Dahl’s The Twits .

Nah yeah: Getting a head start on my weekend by heading home from work an hour and a half early.
Yeah nah: Realising I wasted that time off when I found myself listening to the playlist titled Own Tears for Lube sending snapchats of my feet dancing to Howie Day’s Collide as a birthday message to a friend at 10pm.

Nah yeah: Thinking I had nothing for dinner and discovering I had chicken nuggets and gravy powder.
Yeah nah: Realising I may never love another human being as much as I love gravy.

Nah yeah: Getting an email from someone who looks to be in his sixties with a play on words to the lyrics of Who let the dogs out?.
Yeah nah: Not getting a response to my borderline-fangirlling email praising him for such wit.

Nah yeah: The massive self-esteem boost that comes with the Queensland Police Service liking one of my Instagram pictures. There is nothing better than being able to reason with yourself that you must be equal parts witty and important to garner positive online attention from such an organisation. Suddenly thinks self wildly relevant to a point of almost tweeting with a non-baloney hashtag.
Yeah nah: Remembering the old school friend who works for said organisation’s media unit and watching the imaginary board meeting of police reps discussing how much they liked the picture and attempting to put together an action plan to determine how best to express their appreciation fade away. No longer feels like social media genius. #hashtagsthatwouldneverbeusedinanactualvirtualexchangealltheway