Originally published by The Clifton Courier, December 1, 2021

I mean, to be honest, this is more a recipe for a salad dressing rather than a whole salad because aside from the dressing, there’s not really much to this extremely sophisticated concoction.  

And I can’t really take much credit for it, because the dressing is a bastardised recipe by Yotam Ottolenghi. A few months ago I made his Aubergines with Crushed Chickpeas and Herb Yoghurt dish for a vego mate and, while it was real good, I haven’t been arsed to make the whole thing again. But I had a yearning for the zestiness the dish provided and I couldn’t get that zest from my life so I tweaked the chickpea mush element of it to turn it into a low-key salad.

I usually serve this without the chook and chips when I have friends over for a barbecue, but as we’re now officially in The Silly Season I figure it’s time to do something special, something festive, something that’ll really wow your holiday guests.

And what could be more special, festive and “oh yeah geez wow” than a store-bought hot chook?

Right, so, the first thing to do is heat up a dry frypan on a medium heat. Once it’s good and hot, tip about a tablespoon of cumin seeds in there to brown slightly – keep an eye on it, otherwise it will burn. I mean you could probs skip all this and sprinkle in some dried ground cumin, but that’s probably because you have other things to hang your self esteem on besides using slightly more difficult ingredients for dishes – as I do not, I opt for the cumin seed… plus the flavour is probably better this way, or something. 

Now grind these toasted seeds in a mortar and pestle, or with whatever grinding implements are at hand. The mortar and pestle is only a new addition to my musty kitchen – before then I wrapped the seeds in baking paper and banged them between two wooden chopping boards. The mortar and pestle is best(le) because it’s way quieter, much quicker and makes you feel like a bit of a witch, which can only be a good thing. 

Then tip this fragrant dust into your salad bowl with a good grinding of black pepper and a generous ’tis-the-season pinch of salt. 

Then you want to chop the skin off a whole lemon, remove all the seeds and pick the juicy lemon flesh away from the pith. I can heartily recommend a good pith pickin’ to calm nerves, as it’s an all-engrossing task which gets more and more satisfying as you go. Could you just squeeze in the juice from the whole lemon instead of mucking around with pith? Absolutely, but that’s not really the point. And, I mean, I don’t know what The Point is anymore, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that. 

Anyway, once you’ve just got the lem flesh, chop it roughly and dump it in your bowl. 

Then Ottolenghi (he’s one of those people who only needs one name, but unlike Nigella, he’s a last name kinda guy) wants you to only add one tablespoon of olive oil. But since we’re butchering his recipe, what he wants doesn’t matter. Add at least one tablespoon of olive oil, mix everything up with a fork and then decide you add another glug, but this time straight from the bottle, tipped with the kind of flair your cooking skills don’t warrant. 

Then really roughly chop a whole bunch of parsley and a whole packet of rocket leaves (the rocket from my local shop generally comes in a container the size of a dog bowl, so I suppose a dog bowl is the right unit of measurement here) and dump it into the zesty oil mixture, rubbing the sludge into the leaves. 

This is where I generally leave it, most of the time. But, again, it’s Christmas so I’m now suggesting you dump about $5 to $7 worth of hot chips in the salad too. I obviously recommend chicken salt on the chips.

Then break up a hot chook into mouthful-sized rips and mix that through. 

Serve with a flourish, by slapping the bowl down in front of your guests with a heavy thud and ignore all their questions about why you wouldn’t just serve the chicken, chips and salad separately to ensure chip crispness. 

This isn’t about crisp chips. This isn’t about them. This isn’t even about you.  I don’t know what it’s about anymore. Just eat it.