Originally published by The Clifton Courier, March 24, 2021

Yeah, look, it’s been a long time between drinks and there’s no illustrations, but don’t go givin’ me any grief, ya hear? I’ve had a bloody gutfull of your attitude.

There’s a weird smell in my house.

I live in a little, tastefully decorated townhouse. It has a small lounge room after the entrance then, behind the stairs, is the kitchen and dining area. The lounge room is carpeted. It’s a dark grey carpet that looks reasonably new. There are no obvious stains. And the carpets – both upstairs and downstairs – were shampooed before I moved in. 

The townhouse – or, as I like to call it, townHOME – isn’t old, but it’s not young either. Kind of like me. I mean, it still stands upright and doesn’t have any major cracks or lines, but it’s not exactly as hip and with it as the new townhouses in the neighbourhood. 

When I checked it out before I moved in, I noticed a faint whiff. It’s difficult to describe. I smelt a bit stale, maybe. Like it needed airing out and a good wipe down. It seemed to be coming from the kitchen, which is perhaps where the age of the place is most evident. It’s the neck of the house, if you will.

The laminate is separating from the chipboard in parts, particularly near the sink. The shelving lining had worn away and had been sealed by some, I have to admit, expertly applied duct tape. And the person who was in before me left a few things behind. Some of them, like bin bags, light bulbs and toilet paper – in this economy?! – were extremely helpful. But there were a few drawers and cupboards that clearly weren’t emptied and wiped out when old mate left. So I figured that once I gave everything a deep clean, I’d be right.

Once I moved in made sure everything was clean. I opened windows. I lit scented candles. 

Occasionally I’d get a faint whiff of that stale smell, but it wasn’t often. And when I asked guests about it, they didn’t notice it. 

Eventually, the smells my life overpowered the pre-existing pong.  

But then the other day I got home from work and was slapped in the face by said odour, which had intensified during its absence. It wasn’t faint. It wasn’t a slight whiff. It was a solid cloud of stench. 

If I were to describe it, I would probably say it was a mixture between sweaty old gym socks that had dried out in the sun and that dank belly button smell (you know the smell, I know the smell, let’s not go pretending we’re something that we’re not). Sometimes, I swear it also has a faint hint of diesel. 

And I can’t for the life of me work out the source of it. 

I sniffed long and hard like a witch from Hocus Pocus who had detected the presence a child. After much nasal inhaling, I had narrowed the stench to part of the lounge room near the stairs. I had a general idea of where the smell was located but not where it was coming from. 

I took all the cushions from the couch, hoping to find a dank sock wedged in there. But, alas, there was none. I stood on the couch sniffing the ceiling thinking there could be a rotting rodent corpse between the floors, but it didn’t smell stronger up there. None of the plants in the room were dying to the point of giving off the smell of decay (but I think they’ve accepted their fate, it’s really only a matter of time for some of them). I sniffed the walls but detected nothing. I even got down and started sniffing the carpet like a dog tracking a criminal, but no mystery puddle of pong was detected. 

There’s no obvious source for this smell that no one else seems to notice. 

This means two things: that there’s a supernatural force in the house trying to drive me mad by producing mystery smells that no one else can smell or there’s something afoot deeper than the surface level that requires skilled tradespeople to address.  

And for either of these two scenarios, the solution is the same: lighting a scented candle as a calming distraction to the problem and pretending that nothing is wrong. I think we can all agree that this is the best way to deal with any problem, right?

Right, so I’m thinking there’s probably a sink/drainage issue that needs to be addressed with some corrosive chemicals. Of course, I’m yet to address this problem as I keep forgetting to pick up the gear when I duck out to the shops.