Originally published by The Clifton Courier, October 28, 2020

Ok, so it’s been while since I’ve done a recipe and in recent weeks I haven’t done anything exciting enough to get a column out of it, so I’m going to tell you about making macaroons.

* Yeah sooo I know someone pretty fantastic who says “it’s not shit” instead of “it’s not bad” when trying to describe something that’s actually pretty damn good. The slang has rubbed off on my, and now it’s part of my vernacular. I say it so much, my housemate even said it the other day.

Now, don’t go thinking these are those fancy French biscuits that used to be all the rage when Masterchef first started. I don’t have the skill or patience to pull them off. And, look, I’m not saying I hate them, but they’re not my favourite things. Like, I’ll eat them if they’re around, but I’d probs opt for a croissant or a vanilla slice (although I think the French would have a fancier name for it) if confronted with them as choices at a little patisserie. Perhaps it’s because I think they think they’re better than me. And, look, they definitely are, but I just don’t think they deserved all the hype.

Anyway, macaroons are the macron’s more laid back Italian cousin. 

I got right into them recently after watching my spiritual guide Nigella Lawson cook them on one of her shows.

The recipe was in her first book How To Eat, which is some 500 pages and has no pictures – as a comparison, I’d say it was as thick as Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Anyway, in the book she talks about ways to use up egg whites if you’re cooking something that only demands the yolks. She’s not one to waste anything, and she inspires her readers/followers/disciples not to either.

Anyway I’ve tweaked her recipe to make it my own, which is to say that I added a few extra ingredients without changing the process in any way, shape or form. 

So, you need 150 grams of ground almonds which, I admit, isn’t what most of us would class as a pantry staple. The stuff can be pretty exxy, especially because it’s billed as a flour alternative. In fact, I also use shelled pistachio nuts in this recipe, which I acknowledge is also among the fancier nuts. So, if you’ve ever had a sneaking suspicion I’m a bit of a wanker, perhaps you have reason to. 

Anyway, before you do anything, preheat your oven to 160 degrees. This recipe doesn’t take long to chuck together, so you might want to do it a little bit ahead of time. You need 150 grams of ground almond and, while Nigella calls for 200 grams I reckon 150 grams of caster sugar is probably quite enough (insert joke about being sweet enough here). Chuck this in a bowl with two egg whites and mix. 

I’d use a mixing machine of some kind because I’m lazy, but I can’t see why you’d need machinery to do the work for you for any other reason. It doesn’t really need to be whipped all that much. 

Then she calls for a teaspoon of almond extract, but I don’t have that in my pantry and I find that sometimes almond flavouring tastes kind of medicine-y. So I go with one teaspoon of coconut essence.

When I actually went back and looked at the book, I noticed she also says to chuck in a tablespoon of flour, but after making a few batches, this addition is news to me so I’m going to just ignore that. 

Instead, I’m going to tell you to added two tablespoons of shredded or desiccated coconut – I don’t think it matters either way, so long as you’re not scooping out the flesh of the coconut, but maybe that wouldn’t be so bad?

Anyway, mix all this up and then once you have a gluey-coloured kind of paste, wet your hands with water, pinch out about a tablespoon of the stuff at a time, roll them into little balls and place on a lined backing tray. I mean, you could use flour to stop the mixture from sticking to your hands, but I always find that a little wet spritzing is less messy. 

Then once you’ve rolled them all out, press a few pistachios on top. I like to do a little flower-like arrangement, but you do what feels best to you. you don’t even have to add them if you don’t want to. I’ve got no qualifications to be telling you how to live your life. 

Then chuck them in the oven for about 20 minutes. Leave them on the baking tray to cool for a bit before puling them off, otherwise they’ll stick to the paper. 

Serve these to your friends and family after telling them that, yes, they’re supposed to be a little chewy and if they can’t handle that, then they should take a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror.