Ok, so I get it. Having a lot bullshittery before an online recipe is annoying. And as much as love a good waffle on, I always scroll right past the lovely anecdotes and well-lit photos of artfully arranged ingredients to get down to business.

As I’ve said before, none of you bastards have been brought here purely for a recipe. I’m willing to bet none of you were brought here because you were searching for “rhubarb goo” on Google. What kind of maniac types “rhubarb goo” into Google? If you fall into this category, take a long hard look at yourself. But, still, I shan’t dilly or dally, here’s the bloody recipe:

You need:

• A bunch of rhubarb
• Like 60 grams or three tablespoons of butter
• Three or four tablespoons of brown sugar
• A dash of fancy vanilla extract
• A teaspoon of cinnamon 
• Three handfuls of frozen strawberries 

Step 1: Chop your rhubarb planks into chunks, roughly 5cm or about length of the middle bone in your rude finger. I like to cut it on a diagonal, because it lets more flesh come into contact with the hot pan and generally feels more chef-like.

Step 2: Chuck the butter in a medium to large frypan and let it melt a little over a low to medium heat. I said “like three tablespoons” because I usually just chop a slab of butter off the block without measuring. I feel like the chop method is better than mucking around with a buttery spoon and have been freeballing it this way ever since I learned that one tablespoon of butter is equal to about 20 grams. I usually go by the weight guide marks on the butter wrapper and just chop like a mad person. 

Step 3: Add the brown sugar. Again, my measurements are rough. I usually just tip the sugar straight into the pan from the sugar container and stop once I feel like I’m going overboard. Stir it around a bit. 

Step 4: Add the rhubarb chunks, stir them around and let them sit for five minutes or so. 

Step 5: Add the vanilla and the cinnamon and gently stir those flavours through. The vanilla usually generates a bit of a sizzle, do not be alarmed. Embrace the sizzle. By this time, your whole house should smell fantastic.

Step 6: After the rhubarb softens a bit and the colour of the flesh darkens, chuck in the strawbs. These guys will go pretty much to mush on account of them being frozen, so they don’t need as much time in the pan are the rhuby.

Step 7: Turn down the heat a little and let the mixture bubble until it turns into a thick goo.

Step 8: Pour over some fancy vanilla ice cream, trip into a pie crust or just eat it with a spoon like the little piggy you are.