Originally published by The Clifton Courier, August 19, 2020

This is the kind of column that comes from having very, very little going on in your life but you’re still trying to optimise all activities so you have more time do… nothing. Observe as I exploit a mundane cleaning task and monetise it in a bid to maximise satisfaction.

The other night I cleaned out my handbag.

I felt I had too much gear in there and needed to free myself of the excess stuff. So I made an inventory of all the stuff in my bag and then determined what was worth returning to my sack of personal items and what needed turfing. Here’s how that process went:

A belt that needs attention: It’s my pony belt; an iconic buckle I bought a good 10 years ago. It had a really flimsy strap which started to deteriorate, but an old family friend hooked me up with a sweet leather strap, extending its life significantly. He wouldn’t let me pay him for his craftsmanship, so I baked him a batch of gingerbread to say thanks. When his wife returned the container, she gave me a leather key ring. It’s a cracking belt not only because it features a free-spirited horse galloping with the wind in its mane, but because it usually gets a compliment and that gives me the opportunity to tell this story. It was especially fantastic when I was living in Sydney, when I really got off on holding my quaint AF Clifton upbringing over those city slickers.

Headphones: So I don’t have to hear other people’s boring conversations on the train, and as a cover for when I’m eavesdropping on other people’s dramatic conversations on the trains (fun fact: no one can tell when you’ve paused your music if you just play it cool).

An empty water bottle: Because I’m trying really hard to keep my withered body a little more hydrated.

Roll-on deodorant: It’s actually the stuff that’s kind of like a softened bar of soap that you smear on your pits to create the illusion of cleanliness. Not one you really want to be sharing with mates.

A reusable shopping bag

Four assorted water flavourings: because I’m a child and sometimes need sugary sweetness to convince me to drink water.

A novelty strawberry shaped tea infuser: See above.

One of those detangling brushes

One scrunchie: Because sometimes the hair ties on your wrist unexpectedly blow out.

An Acres of Opportunity stubby holder: Because being caught without one really takes the enjoyment out of a cool beverage.

A mini sanitiser bottle: Because it was free and that stuff is like gold in These Uncertain Times.

Two crumpled shopping lists

A light-blocking sleeping mask: I’m guessing this is for preparedness in case I found myself on a plane and wanting to nap. I mean, I often find myself wanting to block out the world and nap, but the plane thing isn’t looking all that likely these days…

A mini torch that doesn’t work: Which would be soul crushing if I found myself in the bottom of a well with only the contents of my handbag as survival tools. How I would curse myself for not replacing the batteries.

A peg: For emergencies.

Strong antihistamines: Cause I’m one itchy son of a sausage.

Three business cards: The best being for a floating cat shelter.

Two receipts I didn’t need to take: But I did anyway to avoid checkout awkwardness.

Three sets of house keys: Two of them are on bottle openers, which make them extra useful.

A pack of visitor calling cards: Because I’m a classy broad. Although, I’ve only ever used one.

A small pack of post-it notes: For important messages that MUST be stuck to surfaces.

Various toiletries: well, it be more specific, a spare hotel toothbrush; mini toothpaste; a lipgloss I got free with a magazine and never used; paw paw ointment; three tampons; three face wash free samples; three moist towelettes from a chicken vendor; 19 bobby pins; a glasses wipe; one clean but crumpled tissue; cold sore cream; and dermatitis cream.

Two ginger lollies: For settling troublesome tums.

Two pens: I’m disgusted; I thought I’d have more.

A sewing kit: Good thing airports aren’t really a thing right now, because I had no idea this was there and it has A LOT of pointy things in it.

And here are the things that didn’t go back in: the tissue, the receipts, two rogue post-its and the torch, but I’ll probs return the torch to the bag if I remember to replace the batteries. The rest is essential. Obviously.