It’s been a while since I’ve done an underwhelming recipe, and I’m feeling particularly lazy this week so it’s time for me to give some self-indulgent, unnecessarily wordy directions about how to do extremely basic things in a kitchen setting.

And, look, I’m well aware there’s a growing movement against recipes that have a bit of a life story tacked on to the front. I’ve seen the memes. I get it. So I’m bolding the explicit instructions so you can skim over the rest of this dribble if you chose to deprive yourself of my expertly crafted prose. You’re gonna have to scroll the fuck down if that’s all you’re after.

But, I mean, if you need a recipe for heating up a banana and plonking it on yoghurt, I’m deeply concerned for you. I highly doubt you were brought here because you thought that you wanted to heat up a banana and typed into Google “tell me how to heat up banana please” and it took you here. I know my demographic. Intimately. I’m related to a bunch of you. And I know a few of you HATE bananas. One of you can’t even stomach the thought of touching a banana’s skin. So I know that you’re not here to for a recipe.

So you bastards can just sit and read what I’ve taken the time to write, consarnit. Now, on with the why-is-this-even-a-recipe-recipe.

It’s getting cold. Eating nice food is nice. It’s only natch to want to shovel something sweet and warming into your oesophagus. But you can’t go eating deep fried lard balls dipped in chocolate for dessert every night, because eventually we will be allowed back at da clubz and I’ve heard rumours that the hipster jeans made famous by early 2000s Paris Hilton are on their way back in fashion again. And if you want to carelessly rub up against strangers at da clubz in hipster jeans, having a tight rig is going to up your chances of attracting the singlet-clad beefcake of your dreams.

So if you want to treat yourself with something sweet to acknowledge the impressive achievement of making it to the end of another day without loosing your cool and tearing the siding off the exterior of your home with your bare hands but don’t want to be munging on junk, heating up a banana and plonking it on some yoghurt is a good option to consider.

I mean, I also do this because I often goo too nuts with bananas at the grocery store and can’t be arsed to turn them into banana bread.

You’ll need:

• A banana
• Some yoghurt
• Like 20 grams of butter
• Shredded coconut
• Oatz

The first to do is heat up the butter a small non-stick frypan you can shove in the dishwasher afterwards so you can free yourself of the shackles of washing up. Don’t go too too hard heat-wise for heaven’s sake, keep it on a low to medium heat.

Slice up your banana lengthways. Not too thin or it’ll be too flaccid to handle and not too thick or it will take too long to got all goey. You should get three decent sized slices.

Slap the nana into the bubbling butter and enjoy the scent as it invades your nostrils.

Slop a few scoops of yoghurt into a bowl. I use full-fat Greek yoghurt because being a white girl who uses full fat dairy products is apparently radical and staunchly feminist because fuck the patriarchy and its low-fat women’s yoghurt agenda. I mean, dairy is a gift from our bovine sisters and we should be honouring that, not diluting it with desires to slim down to fit within the constraints of the idealistic female form to appease the menfolk. Rise up, dairy queens.

Sprinkle on a few pinches of the shredded coconut and oats.

Once the banana is bubbly and caramelised, flip said fruit with a spatula. It’s pretty delicate at this point, so be carefee.

Once the other side is sufficiently browned, slap the slices on top of the yogurt.

There, done.