Sometimes I dream about being a homeowner.

I mean, that’s a long way off because I still have a lot more savings to accumulate and I have the unshakeable feeling that I have to do go out and chart my own course as the uniquely different, individual person that I am… by spending two years in the UK* like at least a third of all Australians my age.

* LOL, the coronavirus took care of that for me

Unless all the hours of watching Antiques Roadshow pay off and I find a very, very rare knick knack some collector would pay a whole lot of dollars for, it’s going to be a while until I can pretend to be in a episode of Buy Herself (it’s a show about women shopping for houses they’re paying for on their own, so it’s like a female empowerment House Hunters, which really ticks a lot of boxes for me).

So until this happens, I have plenty of time to nut out a list of features I’d like to have in my dream house.

Of course, from years of watching House Hunters, I know there are things most people look for (which need to be said aloud in a thick American drawl): granite counter tops, all new appliances, a double vanity in the master bath, a master suite, updated cabinets etc – but I have my own little wishlist. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

One big sink that a whole frypan can sit in without tilting: Ok, I don’t understand why this isn’t a standard thing. A lot of houses have double sinks where each basin is just that bit too small for an oven tray or a frypan to sit in flat, meaning they’re never able to be fully submerged all at once. This means “leaving it to soak” isn’t really an option for what are often the dirtiest pieces of equipment in the kitchen. I say to heck with the double sink option, just make it one big vat – a trough, if you will.

A camera pointed at the oven and stove to make sure that I haven’t left it on: I have had far too many instances of fretting that my oven and/or stove has been left on while I’m out of the house and it would be super helpful if I could just check it from wherever I am. Kind of like a baby monitor, but for an anxios scatterbrain instead of a new parent. And, actually, while I think of it, I’d like to have a kill switch I could activate remotely to make sure I could turn off anything that could start a fire. On that note…

A key that remotely locks all the doors from anywhere: Same deal as the oven, but this could also mean I wouldn’t risk revealing my position should I be inside the home and wanting to pretend I’m away when faced with an uninvited visitor popping around. I wouldn’t have to sneak to the door, I could merely click a button from under my covers and get on with my sweet, sweet isolation.

Flyscreens: I don’t care how traditional your wooden Queenslander is and how much screens could interfere with the character of the place. Any house that doesn’t have flyscreens over the windows and screen doors is not fit for Australia. I don’t know any of them personally, but I can say with confidence that the early settlers would have frothed the option of keeping blood-sucking mozzies and disease-spreading flies out of their homes. To live among the insects is an itchy insult to their memory.

A microwave that has a silent switch: I’ve written about this before, but I’m hoping that by bringing it up again, someone will actually do something about it. I’m hoping to inspire the youth of today who will become to microwave innovators of tomorrow. Reach for the skies children, aim for careers in technological industries. But, please, remember me and my simple request when you reach the top.

A vacuum cleaner that doesn’t stop working once it comes into contact with long hair: I’m sorry, I know there’s a lot of love for Dyson vacuum cleaners, but my housemates have one and every time I go to use it, I have to take apart the sucky bit to free the spinny bit rendered immobile because it has been bound with me and my housemate’s long, strong and, even after all that, still kind of silky, hair. Surely the big brains at that vacuum nerve centre could come up with some kind of solution for this.

* Also, in case the title gave you a craving for the opening banger for Barbie YouTube series, here’s a link that should whet your whistle. And here’s a two-minute version of the theme song which I only just realised existed.