Originally published by The Clifton Courier, December 11, 2019

Alright, we’re coming into a special time of the year when we’re mingling with more people than usual.

It usually means the presence of arancini balls and fairy lights, which is awesome. But all the deep-fried risotto and ethereal lighting in the world cannot take away from the fact that, at the pointy end of the year, there can be lot of heated arguments.

Because when you corral together a bunch of family members of varying ages and backstories who don’t see each other that much and ply them with festive beverages, the opinions tend to come spewing out.

It’s not unexpected. When you’re stuck in a room/festively-decorated shed/backyard with a group of people and you run out of things to talk about, someone’s bound to fill the void with a hot take about current events.

There’s so much for people have opinions about. And that’s great – people having strong opinions about the way our country is run and voicing those views is how democracy works. If we didn’t share our views and were ignorant of what’s going on, our democratic society would eventually crumble into some kind of authoritarian regime. Opinions matter. Being an active member of our democratic society matters.

But political and philosophical debates can sometimes unravel into all-out blues when they take place in hot kitchens, when the esky is half-drained and there’s a bunch of screaming kids in the background.

Christmas time, perhaps, isn’t the best time to be pushing your views about climate change/water management/franking credits/millennials vs Baby Boomers/land clearing laws/veganism… I could go on forever. Your opinions are valid, but geez, now is not the time to voice them.

But, let’s face it, a bit of verbal argy bargy makes for an interesting conversation. It’s fun, it gets people talking and distracts you from the sweat pooling up under the folds of your December flab.

The key is to stick to topics that won’t break up the family. Something that everyone has an informed opinion on. Something mild that evokes passionate debate. Something that will give you a chance to put your case forward without deeply insulting people you’re related to or leaving you open to an ideological assault.

My favourite topic to debate without fracturing families? Food.

If you’re someone who likes an argument, here are some extremely trivial, food-based topics of discussion to diffuse a tense family affair:

Which way the sausage should go on a single piece of bread? Whether the saussie is packed with chickpeas or the thigh offcuts of Miss Piggy is irrelevant. The real meat of this question is: diagonal or straight across? We all know diagonal is the norm, but should because something is, does it mean it should be? Why diagonal? Is this a mere convenience or is it actually the best way to enjoy a cylindrical item wrapped in bread? Should saus to bread ratio be constant? There’s more to this issue than you’d think.

What should be smeared on the scone first – jam or cream? Jam first, cream second? Or is it cream first, jam second? This argument has been raging for years and has yet to result in the formal split of the United Kingdom, so hopefully your family can withstand the battle.

Does a pie need sauce? Some would say that a pie is nothing without a good squirt of tomato sauce. Others would agree, going on to say that, if a pie doesn’t taste good without sauce, it must not be a very good pie. Are we just deluding ourselves into thinking we like the taste of pies when we’re really only in it for the sauce? Are we living a lie? Who does this lie serve? Are we all being manipulated by Big Pie? And why are they shacked up with Big Sauce?!

Which bickies should be hard and which ones should be soft? You might be tempted to immediately put yourself into team crunchy or team chewy, but the world is more complex than that. I mean, would you really want a soft Jatz? And do you want to be cutting your mouth on a triple chunk choc brownie bickie? What if you want to dunk in milk? What about bickies in the context of ice cream sandwiches? You might find you have more in common with those on the other side of the fence than you first thought.