I’m currently on holidays in New South Wales.

It’s very strange, a few days ago I found myself actually excited about the prospect of going to Sydney.

And, since arriving here, I’ve really quite enjoyed myself and this city. It’s amazing how different your outlook on a place can be when you’re no longer burdened with exorbitant rent and undiagnosed depression. Would heartily recommend not being depressed and locked into a ridiculous rental situation.

In light of my current situation, I thought it appropriate to interview myself as if I were a well-travelled gadabout – I mean, I DID have five cups of tea during the day – using fodder from the Qantas in-flight magazine. Another activity I would heartily recommend.

Where are you right now? I’m sitting on a large bed in a hotel room in Sydney. I was going to sleep on the couch at a dear friend’s place, but I tend to get excessively gassy when I’m shedding my uterine lining, so I decided to splash out and book myself a private room so I can maintain the aura of a classy lady (even though my friend has seen me wee in a paddock after a big night on the Passion Pop).

Where did you go on your last trip? I went to the Gold Coast to celebrate a friend’s birthday. It was a lovely time but good heavens I was rough on the Sunday. I had to break up the massive hour-long drive home with a coffee, and I don’t even drink coffee (unless its in espresso-martini-form, as it’s fabulous enough to counteract the caffeinated jitters coffee gives me). I stupidly pulled in to Yatala Pies at 12.30pm on a Sunday, and the place was absolutely off chops. Families everywhere. The line was like 15 minutes long. I ended up panicking and buying a pie so I didn’t look like the kind of dill who would pull off the motorway and stand in line for 15 minutes for a coffee. I put it in the fridge at home and have just realised that it’s probably still there, going bad and uneaten. I have some severe regrets.

What was your typical childhood holiday? My family would pile in the car and drive four hours to Hervey Bar to stay at my aunty’s house. She always had a pool and, at one point, had a probably-not-council-approved flying fox that went into said pool. It was the dream. Except the flying fox had a rope attached so you could pull it back into position without hoping out of the pool and one time I let go rather awkwardly and slid down the rope like it was a fireman’s pole, only with my thighs gripping the pole instead of my hands. I had stinging rope burn in places one should never get rope burn. Would not recommend.

Do you tend to wander or make a plan? I try to do both and then ending up doing a poor job at each of the ways to travel, thus stressing myself out to the point I need a lie down.

Is there a place you keep returning to? The darkest corners of my mind.

Which destination was a surprise to you? I’ve not been whisked off on any whimsical surprise getaways, but I once made an unexpected stop at Tingha to use the loo. There was something about the isolation and the ominous scattering of large rocks that seemed to be spying on me which gave me a creeps. I ran back to my trusty Camry and bolted out of there.

Have you ever taken a great road trip? I drove from Sydney to Clifton. It wasn’t particularly exciting but, given I was leaving Sydney for good, it was pretty great. I made a playlist called “So Long Stinktown”.

Do you have a particularly memorable dining experience from your travels? I smuggled a double cheeseburger from the Bangkok airport Burger King on to my plane back from Thailand. I waited until the cabin was dark and everyone was asleep to tuck into the sweet, sweet room-temperature meat treat. The crinkling of the paper was quite loud in the quiet cabin, but not enough to raise the alarm/prompt passengers to ask for a bite. Nevertheless, I made sure to eat with as much stealth as I could muster.

Do you prefer resort or rustic? Probably rustic, but a stylish rustic. With running water. And a kettle. And a bath tub. And bath robes. And someone else to foot the bill.

Have you ever been fleeced? My sister and I paid ten euros for two mini Heinekin stubbies at the foot of the Eifel Tower earlier this year. We learnt a valuable lesson about haggling that day.

What do you most like to find in your hotel minibar? Milk, for in-room tea parties.

Have you ever gone completely off-grid? Nope, but I did black out in Thailand a few times.  Would only recommend with extreme caution.

Have you ever been lost while travelling? Yes, while I was black-out in Thailand. Would not recommend.

Where’s your home away from home? Mum and Dad’s place. It’s a home I don’t have to pay rent for where there’s always enough milk for a cuppa. Would recommend.