On my desktop have several – SEVERAL! – Word documents with half-baked column ideas I’ve abandoned but pledged to return to. One day, they’ll come in handy, I tell myself. One day, when I’m really stuck, I’ll use them.

Well, today I was really stuck.

I was supposed to post something yesterday, but I went home from work sick. I’d been so productive the last few days that I think I just conked out. I felt like an over-steamed stalk of broccolini – limp, soggy and probably not who you’d want to see behind the wheel of heavy machinery.

I managed to walk gentle slope home, where I sluggishly peeled off my street clothes and cocooned myself in the comfort of my musky pyjamas. I tried to muster the willpower to post something on this blog, but I just couldn’t. After catching up on The Handmaid’s Tale and two episodes of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, I couldn’t even handle that. I  started watching TV. Oh yeah, like actual television, as in the ridge-didge, free to air TV, not a streaming service. I yearned for something comfortable and familiar and with less definition. Thankfully, The Nanny came on.

While today I perked back up again in the morning, I felt as though I hit a wall this evening. I wouldn’t say full over-steamed brocc, but at least one that’s been sitting out a little too long. I’m no good. But I wanted to post something. And not just a reheated column, but something new. Some fresh content.

But you wouldn’t trust a wilting vegetable to have much personality, even if it is a trendy hybrid that Paris beautifully with salmon. I couldn’t exactly go composing something searing or sassy in that state.

So I decided to try to pilfer my desktop for some half-baked ideas that could quickly churn into something passable as a post. Not only would I have content but I would be clearing my desktop of clutter – and a to-do list double whammy like that might just be the spark I need to get me through the next few days.

What I found was a document titled “goals I have for myself”. I remember thinking I would continue to add to this list, but I never got around to it. That seems to be a theme going on here.

See a koala: There’s a nature reserve near my place which is apparently crawling with koalas. A bloke I spoke to once told me he’d seen them like 60 times over the space of a few years. I decided that I wanted to see a koala and aimed to go bush walkin’ like once a week until I achieve my dream. I haven’t been in months. I’ve been busy?

Get my hat looking all scrubby for next year: The Clifton Show has an old hat section where people enter their character-stained hats. They all told stories of long days, lewse nights and a whole lot of adventure. I wanted to have a hat like that. I wanted to live a life where my headgear gets reflects my wild ways. However, in the months since I made this pledge, I haven’t worn my hat once. I haven’t filled it with biodegradable glitter for sparkle showers or used it as an ice bucket for tinnies or even worn it in a private chlorinated pool. I’m a disgrace.

Watch Lemonade: I mean, I know the general storyline – infidelity, anger, gold dresses, baseball bats, empowerment and all that. I know the songs. I know Beyonce and Jay Z are still together. But I wanted the full Lemonade experience. Meanwhile, Beyonce has released another album, birth two offspring, rented out the Louvre and voiced a cartoon character and I still haven’t caught up.