If you want to impress your guests but can’t be arsed to put in a lot of effort, this is the starter for you.

I mean, you can always just tip a bunch of that sweet’n’salty popcorn into a trough or give everyone their own personal kabanas to mung on all night. That’s some high impact snackery. In fact, I’d recommend giving it a crack.

But if you’re in the mood for making people think you’re one of them fancy folk, you can’t really go past a bit of baked cheese. There’s something about the oozing and the greenery and the wooden cutting board platter that really gives the impression that you were posh enough to have grown up with heat lights in your bathroom. It looks fan-bloody-tastic.

However, it’s an absolute piece of piss to chuck together.

Here’s how ya do it, mates:

Get yourself a wheel or two of soft cheese. I reckon camembert is getting the way of semi-dried tomatoes and focaccia – it used to be the epitome of class but now has an air of washed-up-pop-star-turned-talent-show-judge. It’s still good, but it’s no longer hot shit. Nope, I reckon you at least need to go for a brie in this case. Make it triple cream too, because if you’re going to hit the cheese, you may as well hit it hard.

Line a baking tray with brown, recycled baking paper, because not only does this make you appear more environmentally aware, serving it in the brown paper has a certain rustic-fance charm about it.

Score the top of the cheeses with a sharp knife, but don’t do those criss-crosses too deep – you don’t want the wheel to lose its shape as it bakes.

Now, you’re going to want some rosemary sprigs, fresh is best, but leaves from a dried spring would be OK too. Just don’t go using that dried stuff you get in a shaker from the supermarket, because that’s going to make your cheese look very low-end. The idea is to add flavour but also an air of garden chic. You want to make it look as if you’ve dashed out to your thriving collection of pot plants and plucked some herbs straight out of the garden. No one needs to know if you nicked it from someone’s overgrown bush down the street after dark.

Shove a few rosemary needles in between the cuts you made in the cheese.

Next grab a handful of nuts – pine nuts, cashews, macadamias, walnuts or chopped almonds would work, just make sure they’re unsalted. Try to avoid tipping the Nobby’s salted nuts in there if you can; save those bad boys for fudgy bickies. Sprinkle these over the top of your cheese in an effortlessly-scattered-messy-chic kind of way.

Lastly, finish this off with a few artful drizzles of honey.

Now just whack this in a medium oven for about 10 to 15 minutes until the cheese starts to ooze and the honey bubbles a little. A bit of browning is good, but keep a close eye on it in case it burns.

Finally, take the cheese off the tray and place on a wooden chopping board, the more worn and rustic, the better. Arrange some crusty baguette slices or some crackers that look like they were made with sand alongside the cheese for dipping, but grab a few knives for smearing once the cheese cools. Do not, under any circumstances, serve with thin water crackers – they won’t have the strength for dipping and they’re pretty fucking dull.

Serve immediately to your guests and let the country club invitations roll in.