Well, I feel like complete poo.

I am still significantly hungover and very much unable to function. My brain hurts. My mouth is full of pre-vom saliva. I somehow got a stitch from getting up and walking to the kitchen just now. I am not in a good way.

And yet, here I am, sticking to my commitment to myself to make a contribution to the literary world.

I chose to do so in the form of another self quiz, again pillaging the Bumble conversation prompters I would never actually use myself.

If I had an extra hour in the day I would: Still take ages to text people back. Let’s be honest, I’d spend that time staring at the wall, ruminating on something I did several years ago. I would not use it as wisely as I’d like.

If I were famous, it’d be for: My cook booklet. Obvs.

Favourite quality in a person: An appreciation of Cougar Town.

We’ll get along if: You’re a member of the Outback Club.

Go-to song is: Outback Club, Lee Kernaghan

I’m most grateful for: Tampons and indoor plumbing. Honestly, just think about it for a moment. How good is running water? How great is not having to sit on a bed of sawdust to soak up your uterine lining? People say we’re living in dark times but at least we’re not weeing into buckets.

If I could guest-star on a show, it’d be on: Midsomer Murders. I just recently followed them on Instagram and the suggestions that were thrown up as “more like this” were fantastic.

Ideal night out: Right now, as I’m still hungover from more than 24 hours ago, I really don’t want to think about doing anything that would require me to put on shoes and support my head with just my neck.

But I would have to suggest something in a natural amphitheatre setting, enough room for interpretive dancing, whimsical lighting and perhaps some fire.  I’m wearing comfortable shoes and no one has tried to steal my hat. The weather is warm enough to be wearing shorts but cool enough for a flanny. Fireworks would be great.

My mother would describe me as: Her best fucking friend. Of course, she wouldn’t use the F word, but I felt it was appropriate there.

Must-see movie: Drop Dead Gorgeous. There are so many layers of hilarity. It’s just bloody perfection.

If I would eat only one meal for the rest of my life it would be: Right now I’d say that salmon and rice dish I told you about a few Sundays ago.

My secret skill: I can make fart noises with my neck.