Originally published by The Clifton Courier, March 10, 2019

I wrote this piece after being told the paper was a little fuller than usual and I had been allocated a little less room for my column. So I quickly whipped up something that had been simmering on the stovetop of my mind for decades. 

I could pad this one out today, given I have the limitless confines of the internet with which to broadcast my very important opinion, but I’m getting a cold so I don’t have a lot of energy and I want to have a cup of tea before I leave for work, which seems a rather pressing priority for me. 

This week the space I have less room than usual.

Because I may or may not have been a little late getting my rant in, the space filled up too darn quickly, and I’m left with a slot about half the size as I’m usually afforded.

I pondered what exactly to do with this space, given I would have less room to flesh out whatever point I was getting to in my lengthy, but always necessary, roundabout kind of way. I had the opportunity to make a short, punchy statement. I could use my brevity to be bold.

So I think now is the time to drop one of my trivial but extremely controversial opinions with no context.

And because I’ve already said what I have to say about hot cross buns being available all year long (#freethebun) I’m taking aim at something everyone seems to love: mint flavouring.

I’m sorry, but manufactured peppermint and spearmint or any other white gunk that dares to masquerade as mint is garbage.

I love fresh mint – just a sprig of the stuff can transform a $3 basic spirit served in a plastic cup into a refreshing cocktail – but fake mint is repulsive to me.

It’s the kind of smell that reeks of someone with something to hide. Did you just have a tactical vom? Mint mouthwash. Wanting to make people think you haven’t been chain-smoking all night? Pop in a breath mint. Are you a fourteen-year-old boy at a high school social wanting to appear fresh and alluring to the opposite sex but ate salami for lunch and, in general, have rather poor hygiene? Mint chewing gum is the answer!

Mint is basically the flavour of distraction and deceit.

I get that menthol is a reasonable flavour choice for toothpaste, but I think it’s grossly unfair that all decent toothpaste is mint flavoured. I endure it now, but as an unsupervised child, I loathed brushing my teeth. So, unbeknownst to my parents, I started omitting the toothpaste from my dental hygiene routine, substituting it with the ineffectual combination of water and optimism.

Of course this resulted in a lot of fillings and now every time I drop into the dentist, it’s like visiting a bunch of hygiene-obsessed relatives because I spent so much time with them in my formative years. Which is really quite nice. But, as much as I love a bit of dental chair banter and staring at the beautiful detail in the pressed metal ceiling at that quaint old building, I would have preferred less fillings. And I chose to blame mint flavouring.

Sorry mint, but you’re not my mate.