I’m back, with the same old insecurities, delusions and failings I had before, only they’re slightly less cute now I’m at the pointy end of my 20s.

I am starting of my year with a recipe, because I have been working all holidays and don’t really have any wild stories to regale you with. Honestly, this summer hiatus has not been because I went off to some fancy holiday destination practicing self care. I haven’t been finding myself on some island or anything, I haven’t even been to Coolangatta for fuck’s sake. The only reason for my self-imposed “holiday period” was because I was too busy being a piece of shit to dedicate 45 minutes to sharting out a rant on the internet.

And so, with that, I present you a recipe that really shouldn’t be a recipe.

This little gem might be the new lunch goo for me. It’s cheap, quick and mostly vegetable matter, so I imagine it’s better for your body than rocking up to work with a tube of raw piecrust mixture to mung on (but a buttery cylinder may just be better for the soul – further study is needed).

The list of ingredients is small. Firstly, you’ll need two decent-sized zucchini. I guess it doesn’t matter if you go large but, when selecting your veggies, go for zuccs no smaller than a size you’d feel deeply uncomfortable about putting in your shopping basket along with only a tub of Vaseline. You’ll also need pesto, a vegetable peeler, a microwave and a big scoop of apathy.

Ready?

Let’s begin.

Step 1: Whittle your zucchini down into thin, nourishing ribbons of health using a veggie peeler. Yep, a veggie peeler. I would recommend it over a zucchini spiralizer because A) I don’t have one and B) then they won’t technically be called “zoodles”, thus freeing you from using the term and deluding yourself into thinking these strips are going to taste anything like something made from wheat.

In fact, the first step for this recipe should be “lower your expectations” because this dish  will not trick your mind into thinking you’re eating pasta. I’m sorry, I want it to be true, but it never will be. We have to admit it to ourselves. Zucchini will never be pasta. And I’d like to say right now that, sometimes, you really should choose pasta. There are going to be times in your life when you actually do need strands of gluten to feed your troubled little soul and this recipe is not the recipe you should be turning to at a time like that. At a time like that, put on Paddington Bear (it doesn’t matter if it’s the first or the second movie, they’re both tonic for the spirit), pour yourself a glass of red wine and curl up with a bowl of garlic, chilli and olive oil pasta and savour each bite.

But if you’re trying to feel healthy after a big weekend or want a decent work lunch you can’t be arsed to cook, this is the recipe for you.

Step 2: Dump your shaved zucchini into a microwavable container, making sure you can find the lid that goes with it before dirtying a lidless container you’ll then have to rinse.

Step 3: Dollop two heap teaspoons of pesto into the container. Now, I’m not usually one to promote a particular brand or anything, but considering how laughably unwise of an investment it would be for a company of any nature to sponsor this post, you can rest assured that I have not been bribed to suggest this to you. I’ve made zucc pesto multiple times, but this particular brand gave me the most pleasurable results. It’s a brand called Barilla and it has a blue label. It’s apparently a basil and rocket pesto, which I guessed by its green colour instead of reading the label, which appears to be written in Italian, so that can only be a good thing. I hadn’t come across it before, but it was the only type available at the tiny IGA on my route home from the gym, so I took a chance. And, oi, it’s a creamy bitch. I have no idea how high the salt content or the fat content or the general sin content is*, but considering you’re going to be eating only zucchini for lunch instead of 12 sweaty pork riblets from a hot box, you’re probably allowed to feel good about this choice.

Step 4: Put on the lid and microwave for one-and-a-half to two minutes. Because you’ve peeled that zucc so thin, it doesn’t take much to cook. And the high water content (I say this with absolutely know dietary knowledge or any idea of the actual water content of zucchini) means you don’t need to add any water to the container to get the steam treatment happening.

Step 5: Give that greenery a good mixin’, microwaving again if you need to.

Step 6: Enjoy smugly, within eyeshot of your colleagues so if one of them asks what you’re eating, you can gloat about how healthy you are. Because if you don’t brag about your good choices, what’s the point of making them?

BONUS OPTIONAL STEP: I reckon some roast chookie would go down a treat in this, just in case you’re super hungry or if the idea that the only good thing about your monotonous work day – lunch – consists of just vegetables and good intentions makes you want to peel your own face off. I mean, mix through some fried chicken if you want, but I can’t say how that would pair with the pesto. Listen you your hearts, guys.

* Ok, so I just Googled the pesto brand to make sure it hadn’t been discontinued or anything, and the ingredients list includes cashews. So if you’re allergic to nuts, you’re going to have to put your own personal safety above my recommendation.