This, I feel morally obliged to warn you, is not my best stuff.

I decided to keep this running list going saved in a Word Doc on my desktop for a day when I really, truly felt as though I had nothing worth scooping out of the innards of my skull and arranging into a column. A day when I can’t even scrape off a few dried, caked on shavings from my head and present them as anything.

I knew I’d have this day, because I’ve had many of them before. Some people would call it writers’ block, whereas I would refer to it more as a paralysing realisation that I nothing worthy to write.

When this happens, I usually like to distract myself by completing other mindless, practical tasks to make myself feel accomplished, distract myself with junaty, light-hearted entertainment and practise self care.

By the end of that, I reason, I’ll have experienced something that I can unpack, overanalyse and fashion into something someone might find entertaining.

And that’s what I did today.

The mindless tasks were easy: I made lunch goo. I bought groceries. I pulled part the vacuum cleaner, emptied the filter and ripped out clumps of my hair from the rotor. But even though I love emphasising my I’m-just-so-weird-LOL-telling-it-like-it-is I am, I couldn’t even pull something out of my arse about how much I love pulling long, filthy clumps of hair out of the vacuum cleaner.

I watched all the new episodes of The Good Place, and was unable to stitch together even a weak piece about how I am essentially a mix between the self-absorbed white girl and the guy who suffers from decision-making dysfunction, weighed down by the what-ifs of life and the possibly meaningless doom we’re all facing.

And I even put some cold teabags on my eyes and couldn’t even punch out a think-piece detailing all the hilarious, quirky things that went through my head when I was forced to spend time alone with only my thoughts (because I’m such an over thinker haha LOL).

Nothing.

So I’ve turned to a Word Doc saved on my desktop, squirrelled away for when I was at my most useless. Although I do feel I’ve been in much worse shape for today, I’m far too lazy to think up anything else. And so, after that rather lengthy intro I wrote about having nothing to write about (I’m so meta), please enjoy this lukewarm literary dish I’ve reheated for you. Please, if you don’t mind, imagine me saying the below in an impressive tone while running my hand along an imaginary title in the air, right in front my face:

“Things I like that I used to not like”

Yep, inspiring, right? This was supposed to be an ongoing list I’d add to as time went by, banking up stuff for when I was really creatively skint. And yet, I only had three entries. All of them food. There was nothing juicy about sex positions or illicit substances or anything to indicate that I was in anyway interesting. This might be the most mild list ever. Prepare to be underwhelmed.

Cherry tomatoes: Not really sure why I was  against these guys. I mean, I liked tomatoes. I liked cherries. I liked the idea of mini foods. But I just never got around the cherry tomato.

I’ve had a life without cherry tomatoes and so I’m still learning how to eat them, much like a toddler being introduced to cutlery.

Because I’m not totally used to them, I bit into one the other day at my desk. I had no idea you couldn’t just bite into them like any other salad ingredient. I had no idea about the projectile nature of these bad boys. I sprayed tomato guts all over my keyboard and computer screen. It was carnage.

Red wine: I’ve already written about this. Long story short: I used to be an uncultured swine who only drank wine as a last resort to get pissed, I matured slightly, I went to a winery and now I like red wine.

Mashed potato: I love potato, but I used to be dead against it in mash form. It was too gooey. It was too gunky. It felt too much like vomit or some other yucky slop going down my throat, making me gag. I mean, really, there aren’t many gloopy, chunky mushes you encounter in life that are actually good. They’re usually bad things – like pus or Grandma’s depressing mushy peas or a build up of pond scum. I didn’t like the idea of that going down my throat.

But then, I had it with steak. And hooooy boy, did that change things. I suddenly realised that mashed potato was more than an off-white confusing mixture between liquid and solid, it was a gift to humanity. I mean, it’s butter and potato, for heaven’s sake. I really should have opened my heart to it earlier.

I still find it difficult to eat without the presence of a good steak, but I have made a complete turnaround when it comes to mashed potato. I’m a changed woman.

* Yeah, this title has a “Part One” in it, which suggests there might be a Part Two. Or even a Part Three. Perhaps a Part 17. The point is that this title implies a follow-up of some kind. Now, I’m going to go ahead and assume there will be another Sunday in the not too distant future when I don’t have any cracking ideas to write about and will instead lazily fall back on the crutch of a mediocre, pre-prepared idea. I propose to keep this idea of challenging myself to come up with a list of three things, any three things, and justify why they should be grouped together. Of course, it is possible that I never need to rely on such a lame back up again. However, given my recent track record, I’m going to go ahead and assume Part Two will be delivered next weekend.