Originally published by the Clifton Courier, September 12, 2018

Spending too much time on your phone is a problem.

Today, I nearly missed my bus stop because I was staring at my phone. Constant scrolling through Facebook means I’m always vulnerable to spoilers to TV shows I’m watching, but not in a timely manner. And gawping at a screen makes it way harder for my already quite noisy brain to shut the heck up at night.

But today, it actually solved a problem of mine. I had a reasonably uneventful weekend and was searching for a column idea. I didn’t want to risk anyone becoming Vitamin D deficient (the, in this case, D is for Dannielle, but the other Vitamin D is important too), but I had absolutely nothing to write about.

So I did what I would always do: started staring at my phone.

And that’s when it hit me: I have a treasure trove of personal insights no one asked for in the multitude of tabs I have open on my smartphone internet browser.

Some people/psychopaths don’t keep their tabs open after using them, deleting the internet pages once they have served their purpose.

But not me. No. I like to cling on to these pages, like the non-existent memory of a fictional lover while listening to The Fray.

Just like the “clutter” and “unnecessary crap” that is stashed at my parents’ place, those tabs might come in handy one day.

And so I have dozens upon dozens of tabs open, just ready to be pulled up and used at moments’ notice. So please, enjoy this non-exhaustive list of tabs I refuse to close. I mean, if I’ve managed to keep your attention for this long, you may as well keep going.

The prices at the fancy hairdressers around the corner from me: The intersection at the end of my road has perhaps the most stereotypical combination of shops for my wanky eastern suburb. One corner has a fancy hairdressers with brand-new furniture that has been purposefully aged to look shabby chic. Another corner has a Pilates studio. On the other side is an up-market boutique for pet grooming and accessories. The other corner is a house that’s probably worth more than the Clifton Library but has 12cm of backyard. I looked up the prices of this hairdressing joint on my phone because I didn’t want to walk in, ask to see the price list, be shocked by the prices and have to fake a mysterious spleen spasm as an excuse to get out of there.

The prices at the discount hairdresser at the local shopping centre: Because the fancy place around the corner was, unsurprisingly, ridiculously expensive.

My daily horoscope: Because I can be a little on the indecisive side and sometimes it’s fun to base your daily decisions on some bullhonkey a bored editorial intern pulled out of thin air. Today’s essentially told me to really go for it with my get-rich-quick schemes – time to make my bridal limerick business a reality!

The YouTube clip of Beyoncé’s Formation: Because every now and then I need a reminder of what power looks like. One play of this song and my sass pants are very much on and up (in my head, these sass pants are gold, high-waisted and make my abs look super toned).

A Google search that reads “what foes brhce bogtrotter look like now?”: Because I assume the movie Matilda came up in conversation… after a few beers. And you’d be surprised by how often the current state of the chocolate-cake-eating Bruce Bogtrotter comes up, so it really does save a lot of time by having it there, ready to go.

The date of International Men’s Day: Because there’s always one bloke. Every year. And I feel like the kind of bloke who bangs on about International Women’s Day won’t believe you when you say there is, in fact, an International bloody Men’s Day, so it’s easier to confirm it via the internet. It’s November 19, in case you’re wondering.

A Google Images search of WD40: Because I needed to draw a picture of the world’s most versatile product and required a visual reference but didn’t want to walk to the linen cupboard to find it. I keep this on hand because you never know when you might need WD40, even if it’s just in image form.

Many, many searches for cheap accommodation in Dublin: Because my friend and I were ready to burn the city to the ground and sleep amongst the warm ashes rather than spend another night in a dank hostel… but we were still very tight on the Euros and wanted to get the best deal. Not sure why I kept a hold of these, but I suspect it’s just so I can causally slip into conversation that I once went to Europe.