Originally published in The Clifton Courier, August 22, 2018

On Sunday* I received an email informing me that it was National Potato Day.

* Yeah, this was a while ago. National Potato Day was August 19. Commit it memory so you can celebrate it next year, people. 

I don’t know who decides these things. I mean, I don’t really know if anyone actually has the authority to designate an entire day to one thing. I suppose someone just makes these things up and hopes they catch on. I suspect it’s a public relations exercise in many cases, although there would be a few that have come about because of tradition or historical events or something to do with the moon.

And, hey, I have nothing against these days. No one is holding a pulled back rubber band (one of the most threatening sights known to humanity) to your head and forcing you to observe the holiday. It’s just a fun thing to celebrate as a way of breaking up the soul-crushing monotony of day-to-day life.

I mean, I probably was going to end up doing it anyway because Sad Sundays often call for carb-dense consolations*, but I chose to mark National Potato Day by eating a roast potato sandwich. I also  uploaded a picture of my potato sanga to Instagram, posted an unnecessarily-lengthy recipe for said carb explosion on my blog and learned a few facts about potatoes. Apparently there are more than 4000 varieties of spuds, most of which have roots (pun intended) in the Andes. The word “potato” comes from the Spanish word “patata”, which is how I will refer to the life-giving vegetable from now on. I read somewhere that China is the world’s biggest consumer of potatoes, based on figures from 2010.  And, as I saw in a Google Images search, potato flowers are actually really quite pretty.

* I mean, I didn’t even plan this before I went to post this, but I seriously said to myself “fuck this, I’m having potatoes for dessert” to myself tonight. They’re currently in the oven, waiting for me to finish my Lamb Bam Container (like one of those health bowl things, but it’s more accurate for me to call it a container because I always make enough to take for lunch and you can’t take an unlidded bowl to work willy nilly – yes, you can expect a recipe next time I’m too hungover to write a column).

After looking for about three-and-a-half minutes, I wasn’t able to ascertain why August 19 is the National Potato Day, so I’m going to assume it was just thought up by someone from a potato production group trying to promote everyone’s favourite form of starch.

And good on them.

However, I suppose that this means that any old person can suggest that people celebrate something on a particular day. All they need is a bit of a following to get it off the ground.

And, because I have been given a platform here, I’ve decided to float a few ideas for national days. Please, feel free to mark them on your calendar.

Comfs Day: This is a day where people are free to wear comfortable clothing in any context, particularly in the corporate sector. This means sloppy joes, trackies, bed socks with thongs and gravy-stained singlets. It will fall on the first working day of the year, to soften the blow of returning to the world of adult responsibilities after the festive season.

National Garlic Bread Day: People are given the liberty to eat garlic bread as a main instead of a side dish. This will fall on May 22, in honour of my sister, who loves garlic bread more than most things. I know she would be proud if this were her legacy.

Tea Appreciation Day: This is a day for giving thanks for tea. People around the country will come together, boil the kettle and dedicate at least 15 minutes to yarning on over a cuppa.

And there’s no room for discrimination. It’s not about teapots versus tea bags; it’s a day of unity. It’s a time to lay aside the prejudices of tea practically white with milk or a brew so dark if looks like a cup of a night’s sky. And whether you’re a fancy earl grey or an alternative chai or an average, run-of-the-mill Ceylon, everyone is welcome.

Of course, I’d stipulate that non-tea-drinkers are also welcome, but ask they respect the day by sipping their liquid of choice from a teacup or traditional mug.

This day happens on the 20^th of each month, because people should have get togethers regularly and, more importantly, because you can emphases the “tea” when you format the date as MONTH-DAY. For example, March twent-TEA or May twent-TEA.

National Mattress Flipping Day: On this day, everyone will actually flip their mattresses, after months of meaning to do it. The goal of this day is to help people avoid creating confronting ditches in their mattresses, which wreaks havoc on both the spine and the self-esteem (because seeing just how large your bodily indent is can never be good for your self-confidence). It will fall on July 1 each year, which is pretty much bang-on half-way through the year. If this day is widely taken-up, efforts to have December 31 recognised as National Mattress Flip Back Over Day, where people flip their mattresses again and gives them the illusion they’ve achieved at least one thing with their year.