So today I completed a 14km in a fun run.

Now, that might make me sound like quite a put-together person who spends their Sundays being active, enjoying the outdoors and sculpting their killer rig.

And I suppose I could leave it at that, humble bragging about my athletic achievements and coming off as a reasonably impressive grown up person.

But while I did go for a lengthy jog this morning, I also spent the afternoon sinking beers and being a general stain of a human being. To clarify, I was drunk by about midday, I drank beer though a mini luge that was my racing bib and got lost trying to make the short journey home.

As such, I found myself in the very familiar position of being unable to compose a smart, funny Sunday blog post.

So I did what any girl would do: I turned to my female friends on Snapchat. I put out the call to my nearest and dearest uterus-possessing friends for questions which I could answer in another one of my classic “pretend to be a celeb in a magazine” sessions.

I mean, that’s all I’m capable of at the moment and I do really enjoy grilling myself about trivial matters while imagining who I would look in glamour shots. And as I get older and less supple, I find my chances of appearing in a tell-all Cosmo spread are becoming slimmer and slimmer. I think my only hope is to appear on a reality TV dating show, but I don’t have the rig for it. So this blog is really the only place where I can indulge my self–obsession and delusions of importance.

And if I’m going to so pathetic as to pretend to be in a glossy magazine interview,  it is fitting for me to do so while wearing a pesto-splashed pony jumper while half cut in bed.

So, if you’re still reading, please enjoy my answers to the questions I begged my friends for. Feel free to play along and answer the questions yourself; it’s such fun.

What’s your opinion on deep-fried vegetables? Look, there are many things that shouldn’t be deep-fried. Video cassettes and human hair feature on that list; vegetables do not. I’ve just spent a bit of time trying to work out what veggies shouldn’t be deep-fried and I’m drawing blanks. I mean, I don’t know who a deep-fried beetroot would turn out, but I would be open to putting one in my mouth.

You can only eat three foods for the rest of your life – what are they? This is tough, because I know that restricting your diet means depriving yourself of nutrients and minerals. I’m well aware that a balanced diet is necessary for a healthy, thriving bod.

But, if I had a guarantee it wouldn’t give me scurvy or make me the size of a townhouse, I would say: hot chip sandwiches, steak and raw pie crust.

Of course, that selection is purely reflective of my yearnings today; it may be different tomorrow.

What’s your opinion on re-wearing bras? A sniff-test policy is the most effective approach for this.

How do you feel about puppies in prams? Look, I may cop some abuse for this, but I don’t really see the need for pram puppies. The whole idea kind of makes me cringe. But, interestingly, I’m perfectly amenable to wheelbarrow puppies.

Perhaps this says more about my attitude towards motherhood than puppies.

Could you consume a 1kg long cream doughnut? Um. Yes. Obviously. I’m not a moron.

Pancakes or crepes and why? Another controversial opinion, but I’m going with crepes. I mean, I love banana oat pancakes, but the standard pancake is just not my mate.

Pancakes – and by this I mean the pikelet-like flour clouds that go around these days – are just too heavy for me. After one-and-a-half plain pancakes, I feel as though I may as well have sat in a darkened pantry feeding myself flour straight out of the bag in the same manner Winnie the Pooh eats honey.

Crepes aren’t just lighter, but they often come with a filling more substantial than maple-syrup-flavoured nectar. Crepes don’t try to hog the limelight like pancakes do – they let their fillings shine.

Best occasion to whip out a scented candle? Any occasion is the best occasion to whip out a scented candle.

Were you offered a promotion? Go home and light a scented candle. Didn’t get that raise? Go home and light a scented candle. Did a glob of your spit land on someone’s face while talking to them? Go home and light a scented candle. Did you buy a scented candle? Go home and light a scented candle.

How would you feel if all carrots got a carrot disease and your could never eat another carrot again? Sad. Deeply and all-consumingly sad.

What is the worst ice cream flavour imaginable? Two-day music festival knickers.

What are your darkest desires? To be mysterious enough to have dark desires.

What is your favourite drunk food? Nuggets.

Who do you want to be when you grow up? A modern-day Bonnie Hunt character. I feel like she always plays the perfect balance of wholesome and sass. I mean, she’d obviously need a few updates – such as a less 90s haircut and a more pronounced career – but the essence is there.

Are we already grown up? Um. That’s rude.

Is you being drunk on a Sunday night content enough for a column? Yeah, probs not.