Look, I’m not going to lie to you.

I’ve been a bit of a stain this weekend, again only being able to achieve things after the Late-Afternoon Sunday Fear woke me from my nap, jolted me into putting on some laundry and guilted me into making my lunches for the week.

It wasn’t a total loss of a weekend – I’d been to a weights class at the gym, did my groceries and went on a long walk with a friend. And I managed to send off a column… but I ended up writing about going to the hardware store, for heaven’s sake.

Yes, I have been struggling for the past few days.

This is, yet again, due to my preference for going hard of a Friday night rather than a Saturday night.

It’s the reason my last column (which will be up on Wednesday) was a half-strength depresso. It’s the reason I have worn bright pink trackpants and a horsey jumper for most of the weekend. And, even though I have had two full days to recover, I suspect it’s the reason why I’m only just starting to write this post at like 9.40pm. And with that, I’m going to give you my second alcoholic drink recipe. It’s in line with the red-wine-based bevo I’ve described beforeand the sickly-sweet Bottle of Green that has probs slipped into my copy before in that it’s nauseatingly and unapologetically crass.

I called it the Fan Tam Slam, more out of impulse, I assume, than anything else. I don’t believe much thought was put into its name, much less the actual composition of the beverage. If I were in commercial copywriting, I’d describe the drink’s “creation” as being born from inspiration; an elixir that captures the spontaneity of the human spirit and the magic of the unplanned. However, I can’t really recall the exact details surrounding its creation, which I feel explains a lot.

Fan Tan Slam

This is a particularly potent cocktail, which is best served when there is literally nothing else to drink.

Step 1: Locate a leftover bottle of spirits that someone didn’t want to destroy their life with. If it’s already been opened and has been sitting for a while, all the better. In the first iteration of this cocktail, said spirit was vodka. But, really, if you’re resorting to this recipe, anything will do.

Step 2: Locate some sickly-sweet, extremely sugary soft drink that someone no longer wanted and put in a public space in the hope someone would get rid of it for them. In the most recent case, this soft drink was orange flavoured. And I don’t mean “orange” as in the type of citrus fruit, I mean “orange” as in a generic orange-coloured variety of fruitish things, flavour. It was a syrupy mish mash of vaguely fruity flavours, not unlike a medicine which makes empty promises to sick kids that it “tastes like yum” or something. Again, given your state and desperation, the exact flavour combination is not important.

Step 3: Locate vessels that can contain liquids, preferably clean but not exclusively so. Using a mix of used wine glasses, tumblers and coffee mugs adds to the charm.

Step 4: Slosh a generous, unmeasured glug of the unwanted sprit into the glass, stopping when someone cries out in protest over the amount.

Step 5: Giving the best impersonation of a swanky bar tender your diminished motor skills will allow, top up the glass with the soft drink.

Step 6: Present with a flourish, calling the drink a “Fan Tan Slam”, vaguely explaining your high school nickname was Fannie and, if it feels right, launching into a rant about how an “ie” is much more pleasant and feminine than a “y”.

Step 7: Repeat as required.

Step 8: Wake up the next morning with your stomach feeling like an ashtray.

Step 9: Remain a piece of sluggish, winging human garbage for two days, being sure to complain about how terrible you feel to as many people as possible.