Happy Valentines Day, one and all.

I hope you’ve been kind to someone, and that someone has been kind to you. But, more importantly, I hope you were kind to yourself today.

Because while love between two people is great and all, in the end, it’s going to come down to just you and yourself. Which is good, because you’ll probably shit yourself.

I know this is Classic Dannielle to turn something wholesome and harmless into a reminder that death is coming for you, but it’s not like that. It’s just about looking after Number One and treating your main girl (or boy, but honestly I don’t know a single gentlemen who reads this smut – even though I try to be as genderless as possible, sometimes it’s hard not to throw in a reference to pulling a tamp). Because it’s nice to be nice to yourself. You get to personally reap all the benefits of your benevolence, instead of paying 60 bucks for flowers for some other schmuck.

This is about is loving yourself, as the female magazines would say, and doing nice things for yourself.

You might not even realise you’ve treated yourself, but it’s good to take a look back at your day and think about the kind things you’ve done to Numero Uno (also known as commander Cool). It’s amazing how you can turn seemingly simple tasks into indulgent expressions of self-love.

Cleaning the toilet? You did it because you deserve a white, shiny bowl. Eating your vegetables? You’re giving yourself the gift of nourishment. Chopping your toenails? Saving yourself from cutting the back of your ankle with your other foot and having to explain to people who ask about the bandage that your big toenail grew so long that it actually injured you. That’s love!

Of course, you could tell this was going to turn into a listicle – partly because you could see the format of the post before reading, partly because I was obviously ramping up to it and partly because this appears to be an original post and it’s quite late – meaning I’m looking to half-arsedly cut some corners.

So here are a few things I did today that turned out to be things that I did for myself today. Enjoy:

Bought myself a one kilo tub of hummus: Because I love myself.

Bought myself two king-size, chunky bars of this vegan hazelnut chocolate I love that you can only get from health food stores: Because I love myself. And because they were on special. Not because I am vegan. This will be made very clear later in this listicle.

Listened to Beyoncé’s Formation three times: Because I love myself. Also, because I saw a really, really bad wax figure of Beyoncé today and needed to be reminded of how fabulous she really is. And maybe she reminded me of how fabulous I was, just maybe.

Awkwardly pulled down the inbuilt slip that was riding up under my skirt on the bus today in a fashion that made it look like I was hunting for loose change up there: Because I love myself. There was no way I was going to sit uncomfortably on that bus just for politeness sake.

Changed my razor head: Because I love myself. Because I’m too poor to afford fancy spa treatments so this is the only luxury I can get (and even that is rare, because those five-blade razors aren’t cheap, amiright?). Aaaaand because I went to the beach after work and the salty water my razor burn stung like the anger of 87 bees who’ve been on hold with Centrelink for more than two hours. I never actually got the whole “stinging legs after shaving” thing until today. And I never want to feel that way again.

Put moisturiser on my armpits: Because I had red-raw pits and didn’t thought cocoa butter would soothe it. It didn’t. It was like that infamous scene in Home Alone where Kevin uses aftershave – except I was an (apparently) fully-grown woman, not a prepubescent boy and instead of holding my face, I was clutching my armpits.

Had eggs on toast for dinner: Because I love myself and I love eggs. But mostly because I had nothing else in the fridge.

Listened to Norah Jones while I ate dinner: Because I love myself. And because I am a woman over 25 all alone on Valentines Day.

Considered giving up butter for Lent, but didn’t: Because I love myself. Sorry Jesus, I mean, I know that whole full-day-of-torture-and-humiliation-and-being-nailed-to-a-cross thing would have been rough, but butter is one of the only good things in my life right now.

Ate two reserve-grade-prop-in-a-country-footy-team-sized squares of the vegan chocolate after 7pm: Because I love myself. But mostly because I have poor self-control and bad decision-making skills.

Finishing this blog post abruptly and without ceremony: Because I’m tired as fuck.