Welcome to self-aware Sunday.

It’s the day when I am acutely aware of how much time I’ve frittered away and want to be productive while doing the least amount of work possible.

Today’s post come to you from a dark place; a place where I’m hungry, can’t decide what to have for dinner, am trying to save money and only have onion and bacon in the fridge.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have onion and bacon for dinner but I decided to delay this final decision by being “productive” and answering a bunch of questions Marah Eakin from AV Club asked David Hasselhoff.

Because apparently the best way to boost my self esteem is to compare my answers to The Hoff. Yep, I’m going to try to be more interesting than the guy who sung at the breaking of the Berlin Wall and had a guest appearance in the Spongebob Squarepants movie. Righto mate.

Seriously. Google “David Hasslehoff 11 questions” and it will come up. Compare the answers. Then judge yourself.

But first please forget that I’m having onion and bacon for dinner and imagine me with ripped abs. Please. 

Which movie/TV world would you live in?

Gilmore Girls. I long for a world where the diner food is fabulous and doesn’t make you fat. Where my education involves blue plaid and facing off with Harvard. Where the grandparents are rich. Where journalism is revered. Where everyone listens to alternative indie music. Where coffee is tasty. I want it all.

But honestly I’d just settle for having a Kirk figure in my life. That’s kind of what I’m lacking and it’s making me worry that if I don’t have a Kirk, I could be the Kirk in someone else’s story. That frightens me.

Fave curse word? 

I’ll just go ahead and put it out there that I drop a C-bomb from time to time. Sure, I’m not going to say it in front of my mother if I can help it, but I will employ such verbal weaponry from time. I don’t know why it should be a word that only the menfolk should use and women should shun.

I just hate when guys are like all “this girl just said the C word”. I don’t care if this impresses them or disgusts them. Yes. I’m a woman. Who swears. I also drink beer and bake cakes and farking just sit down mate.

Ever been given shitty advice?

I actually can’t think of any bad advice I’ve been given right now. But some good advice I once received was from my former editor: never use the word “got”. There are so many other more specific words available to use instead.

I mean, I often use it in copy now because it’s in line with my conversational writing style but it makes for a good personal challenge. I feel like it keeps you sharp. Honestly, try not to use the word “got” for a day. See how much more aware it makes you of your use of language.

Another challenging on to try is cutting out all “like”s. Lena Dunham’s English teacher gave her the challenge and look where she is now. She once had Donald bloody Glover play her love interest, for crying out loud. Obviously, I’m terrible at this challenge too, but give it a crack. Even for an hour.

If by some miracle you both got into med school and finished med school, what sort of doctor would you be?

An OBGYN. Partly because I’ve been watching a lot of The Mindy Project lately, partly because I think I’ve got the dark humour that I think the profession of gynaecology could really use and also because I’d like to be a bit of a women’s health advocate. There’s so much weird shame about vag stuff and sexual health that just shits me to tears.

Like, being responsible about my sexual health is my hobby. Sure, pap smears are uncomfortable and the LAST thing you want to be doing hung over, but you want to know what else is uncomfortable? Being dead because of cervical cancer.

What would the ultimate Sunday involve for you?

It ranges from two ends of the spectrum. On one end would be day drinking, warm sunny weather, a water slide and probably some kind of meat rotisserie over a fire. On the other end of the scale would be a rainy day (and I’d be under a tin roof), multiple episodes of Grand Designs and Midsomer Murders and a batch of pumpkin scones.

I also like knowing that I have lunches ready for the week ahead on a Sunday, so I guess my ideal Sunday would involve someone preparing my lunches for me. And, since this is an ideal world, those lunches would be both delicious and result in the kind of rapid weight loss you could only achieve by investing a poisonous substance. Like, these lunches would make me so skinny people would start to worry about my health. Which is the dream, really: being thin and free compassion.

And since we’re talking ideal, why stop at organised meals? Why not throw in a few cups of tea with David Attenborough and a really powerful interview with the Olsen twins?!

What do you hate? 

People who illegally download shows. Like, why do you expect to get all your content for free without either paying for it or being exposed to ads? Like, does the world owe you this entertainment? Who the shit do you think you are?!

What advice would you give to a young Dannielle? 

Invent Facebook. I really dropped the ball on that one.

The last two bonus questions resulted in the following thoughts:

One: My last three-way phone call was probably in Grade 7. I would have been with my best friend and another girl from school, organising the next sleepover. People don’t really do three-way chats anymore, hey?

Like, that’s actually an excellent call function and people just stopped doing it. I think it’s a really efficient means of communication, especially now that everyone genuinely only has two friends anyway.

Two: I think I’m serious mostly because it fits in with the characters I generally try to model my personality after. Sometimes it’s adult Sam in Now and Then, sometimes it’s Rory from Gilmore Girls and sometimes it’s Meg Ryan in any Nora Ephron movie.

Unfortunately this generally comes across as a bogan Daria Morgendorffer with a people-pleasing complex.