I’ve gone full on grown up.

This afternoon I got home from Brisbane and had the self-restraint to book a flight back to Sydney so I would arrive in daylight so I’d have time to gear up for the week ahead. Usually I’m so desperate for warm weather, attention and slightly-too-long hugs that I fly home as late as possible. But it seems I’ve turned a corner.

I arrived home with enough time to do some washing and prep lunch for tomorrow. At one point I was ironing dress shirts to wear to work while some Brussels sprouts were cooking away on the stove. I was so damn mature.

And I was thinking I’d have to do a half-arsed ramble/apology or a blog post this evening because I had nothing in the bank and no energy to come up with something.

But as it turns out, I was grown up enough to prepare something earlier. And sure, it’s by no means my best work (it makes no vomit mentions, soz) but it’s something. And just when you thought I couldn’t be any more of an adult (please imagine that being said by Chandler Bing), here’s the kicker: my responsibly pre-emptive blog post was about lattes.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Anyway, here’s what Dannielle The Grown Up has to say about hot takeaway beverages:

As a big smoke dwelling city gal who works in the media, I’ve started drinking coffees. (Translation: I’ve turned to drinking sugary, cinnamon chai lattes to make living in in this overpriced hovel more palatable).

And I’ve found a new hack to ensure my drinks are always hot.

You see, I like my hot drinks to be actually hot. I prefer to run the risk of scalding my throat than having to swallow the milky disappointment of room temperature beverages. And I want every hot drink I drink to meet the same heat standard. Because life’s too damn short to suckle from the teat of lukewarm meritocracy. You’re better than that. I’m better than that.

But often, drinks made on hot milk don’t make the grade because the milk is often heated in batches.

But there’s a secret.

And that secret is skim milk. It probably makes very little difference to the waistline, so it’s not about being health conscious. It’s about consumer trends, and knowing how to exploit them for personal gain.

Here’s the thing – no one drinks skim milk anymore. The purists are still demanding their full cream dreams, having written skim off as “watery shit” and taking a weirdly strong stance against a type milk since the dawn of the low fat movement. And the former skim crowd have moved on to fancier, generally-perceived-to-be-healthier, milks. I’m talking soy. Almond. Cashew. Anything that can be activated and pulsed in a food processor.

Skim milk used to be al the rage, but it just isn’t on-trend liquid anymore. Even all those women who used to order “skinny chinos” are nowhere to be seen. And they used to LOVE their skinny chinos. They’d walk in with their capris and asymmetrical bobs and those phone cases that doubled as wallets and sip skinny chinos until the cows came home. But now, the skinny chino crowd is no more. Those women are either going to cafes in their exclusive suburbs or have jumped on the nut juice wagon.

As a result of this enormous societal change I’ve found that, often, the skim milk has to be frothed up fresh, just for me. And because I can’t really taste the difference between skim and full cream, it’s not even a compromise.

This makes me feel pretty cluey. It’s like insisting on having fresh chips without looking like a total arsehole who thinks it’s ok to treat teenage fastfood workers like human scum (clearly, I have some unaddressed issues in this area). Because if there’s one thing I hate as much as a disappointing tea, it’s being a bad customer. Some people get their kicks by flexing in front of weaklings at the gym. Others enjoy the looks they get while wearing tight pants. I get high off being an exceptionally kind customer in a sea full of rude bastards. I live for that shit. And I’m in the right city for it.

I may not have insight into the stock market and I’m generally clueless about which suburbs are best to buy in, but that’s my grown up tip for you. Use this information however you chose.

(I mean, you could always just ask for your milk to be extra hot, but who wants to deal with the anxiety of making a special request?!)