I have a new hobby.

It’s not the kind of interest that I would openly put on my resume to make me appear like a well-rounded potential employee, but I have become very passionate about it. It appeals to a number of pre-existing interests I already have: food, eavesdropping and judging people. This new hobby is a wonderful combination of the three and, I’d wager, a very useful way to spend my time.

It’s analysing the supermarket receipts of strangers and determining what sort of person they are and whether I would be mates with them. It’s kind of like an extension of my childhood hobby of pouring over the fridge section of electrical store catalogues. I would study the contents of the display fridge to determine what kind of people that particular fridge would belong to. Yes, in case you were wondering I was a chubby, kind of weird kid. But boy did I know how to have fun.

Anyway, this new hobby came to life after I found a crumpled receipt in the hallway of my apartment building. I was going to throw it in my rubbish bin, but after smuggled it back into my room I realised I was on to something. Now I realise that going through someone’s rubbish denotes certain prowler qualities, but it’s much more academic than raiding someone’s garbage bin.

I like to think of myself as anthropologist, rather than a stalker.

But I guess there’s a fine line, and I’m happy to strut along it.

Anyway, here’s what they got:

Perino fresh tomatoes (a two for $6 deal) – I tend to judge people for buying their tomatoes in plastic containers, because it seems like an unnecessary use of plastic. Perhaps because I’m used to buying my tomatoes from a guy who has an honesty box outside of his house who packages them in recycled plastic bags and empty pot plants.

Fresh salmon with the skin on (half a kilo) ­– These people care about their bodies, but not so much their wallets. Which is good, in a way. Because when you live in a society with a public healthy system, it’s easier on all our wallets if people don’t eat like a chubby loner seven-year-old kid at the food table at a party… that brings back memories.

Anyway, this purchase alone leads me to assume that this person is of the female persuasion because bad bitches love salmon.

I should know, because I also love salmon and also consider myself a bad bitch.

Ice cream 1.8 litres – I did a bit of research and realised that this icy treat was A2 ice cream. At first I thought it was some wanky dairy alternative ice cream but upon further investigation – AKA a quick glance at their website – they pay farmers a premium for milk. So I support this mystery shopper for their choice. Sure, it was on special and maybe that’s what made them buy it, but there’s something about farmers getting paid a decent amount for their produce that really gets my non-existent dick hard.

Lamb rump – right, this person is simply bloody luxe about their meat. And this is important because bad bitches need their iron. Being fabulous takes energy, the kind of energy that you can only fuel by feasting on the flesh of inferior life forms. Sometimes, “inferior life forms” can be animals lower on the food chain, sometimes, it can be the haters. Of course I’m not suggesting cannibalism is the only way to get a little spring in your step but I will say that Hannibal Lector had a certain flair that was hard to match. But in the interests of avoiding prison/eternal damnation, I would suggest eating the metaphorical flesh of your foes by evoking a little imagination when roasting a leg of lamb. Kind of along the same lines of the Eucharist except with a heavy dollop of sacrilege.

Alas, I digress. Form this purchase I can tell this person loves a good roast and therefore has a deep appreciation of gravy. I can make this assumption despite the lack of Gravox powder on the list because all good gravy lovers have a stash in the pantry at all times. I know I do. gravy powder is perhaps the first thing I add to the pantry when I move into a new place. Because being without gravy is like being dropped into the wilderness with Bear Grylls – you’re surviving, but you’re not really living.

Chobani mango

Chobani raspberry

Chobani blueberry – I noted that each of these yoghurt tubs were on special. This is clearly someone who values their dairy products but likes to shop around. They are opportunistic and economically-minded, and therefore would be an excellent influence on me at the moment. I appreciate their commitment to calcium, because as women, we need to think about our bones.

Osteoporosis looms for us all, and while the source of our strength is primarily that burning fire in our gut driving us to crush the patriarchy, a bit of yog certainly helps.

Yellow nectarines – Another ringer. Yellow nectarines are miles better than the white ones. They have more colour, more flavour and generally fill your intestinal track with sunshine. This person is no fool.

Lindor bag, assorted – This is a person who knows how to treat themselves. But the fact that they’ve gone with an assortment rather than one singular type tells me they’re indecisive. They don’t know what they’re looking for in life. They still are making their way in the world. I can also tell that they didn’t want to limit themselves to just one type of chocolaty treat. They kept their options open. This may mean that they were wanting to mimic the post-breakup Elle Woods chocolate eating scene from Legally Blonde, but I think it’s deeper than that. I think it’s a fear of commitment.

And when you combine an in ability to make a single decision, a crippling fear of commitment and a desire for treating oneself, I think we have a person going through the mid-20s crisis.

Bosc pears – According to my extensive research, boscs are known as the “aristocrats among pears” and is apparently an excellent choice for pear-related deserts.

This person is obviously a foodie, and this leads me to hope that we may one day watch Ratatouille together while gorging on hearty, rustic treats. I assume that this sasspot also has some fabulous crockery in her kitchen cabinets

Rockmelon – Look, I really want to like this girl. But this changes everything. Because while the rest of her grocery list is something I would wave flags and throw glitter over, this truly disturbing addition rocks me to my core.

Because rockmelon says: this person is a monster who feeds on the flesh of the rankest melon known to man. They probably have no soul and an intricate web of investment properties on negative gearing. DO NOT TRUST HER.

Maybe this isn’t the best way to go about screening for friends.