Look, I’m aware that I have yet to upload a post to my usual eloquent and charming standards, but I have to point out that I was at a hen’s party all weekend. 

And it’s hard to be anything other than a stinking mess incapable of stringing words together after downing two bottles of sparkling wine on a boat so please cut me some slack. 

Although, I must say I do appreciate your support in having checked to see what I’ve been doing lately. You are most kind and I assure you that my snarky tone is a sign of endearment. I’m allowing myself to think that I have become something of an addiction to you, in that you keep crawling back for whatever filth I happen to be peddling of a Sunday or Wednesday. I don’t want you to be hooked in a narcotic way, but maybe like a nice gentle Diet Coke addiction that slowly rots your insides and puts you at risk of developing dementia. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to get the shakes and suffer withdrawals without me but I’m not a monster.

I flatter myself to think that you might even depend on me for your happiness (whether that be that warm realisation of knowing you’re not as much of a shit as you thought you were by comparing yourself to me, or because you like my conversational tone – I really don’t need to know). If by some miracle you have developed a habit, I can assure you that Sunday and Wednesday hits will be regular, if not deflating. 

Anyway, suffice to say that I’m coming back on Wednesday and I might even have a yarn about a toe ring made from the hair to two strangers who became friends. I’m thinking of pitching the idea to filmmakers.