Today I couldn’t think of a single topic to write about.

I could sugar coat this and say that I’ve done this post after hours of self-reflection which led my to reading this article, but it’s too damn hot for bullshit. 

I couldn’t think good, and I have no ideas of my own so I did what I normally do when I’m stuck – I turn to the internet for self help articles to scoff at so I can boost my self esteem by reinforcing the delusion that I’m a snide, highly intellectual person who knows more about life than anyone else.

And it worked. Because now I have a post I can put up and that makes me feel good about myself. I can tick this off my to-do list as well, which I have written up specifically for the purpose of ticking off this one task. I’d already done 70 per cent of the jobs on the list when I wrote it. Again, to boost the old self esteem.

So here’s me ripping on a piece someone put actual thought and heart into because I like to think of myself as a black-hearted witch with razor sharp wit when in reality I’m someone who cries over Little Women, loves my people in an almost suffocating manner and tried to spell once with a “w” the other day. It was a piece about the things you should stop doing in your 20s. Now it’s an ode to the person I project and my self-destructive ways.

Now I’m free to re-watch Sleepless in Seattle in peace. Happy Sunday!

Determining your worth on your social media likes: This is all well and good for someone who is a nurse or a barrister for a living. But when you’re in the media, your worth is literally dependant on your social media likes. I have bills to pay. Fuck off.

Comparing yourself to your friends: Nah, this is how the patriarchy keeps winning. Ask your friends how much they get paid, particularly if they’re lugging around a uterus. Ask them about their savings plans and investment portfolios. Ask them how to get a raise. I didn’t intend on getting up on my feminist horse today, but Julia Von Glitterfire needs a run and lord knows she’s always saddled up and ready to go.

Staying in a relationship because you’re scared to be alone: Not really applicable to me, a person who’s fear is not being alone. Seriously, the big thing that freaked me out while watching Married at First Sight is that these people suddenly have a share a bedroom with another person. They can’t escape this drongo who is all up in their personal space. That’s just wrong. It’s basically knocking these people out, grafting one of their heads on the other person’s neck. That’s how sick the whole thing is.

I want to book an overseas trip and am thinking about doing a tour but I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the constant company.

I’m actually fantasising about a little solo depression holiday where I stare out the window and pretend to be deeply heartbroken and complicated. I think I’ll go to the English countryside or even up in the Scottish Highlands, stay in a quaint bed and breakfast and just watch the ran fall. There’ll be fuckloads of scones and toast and all kinds of drizzle. There might even be a fire I can dramatically throw my hand written poetry into. Perfect.

Feeling the need to justify your choices: Oh, but I like justifying my choices. It’s like complaining. It’s a hobby. And the reason I like justifying my choices is because I like ranting. I like not just trying to convince someone that my choice was the right choice, but that my choice should be their choice too. If I want to live in a world in which everyone thinks like me – and I do – then I’ve got some serious persuasive rhetoric to peddle.

Allowing anyone tell you that you’re not capable because you’re young: Mate, I’m not young anymore. I can’t enter in any of those competitions for young adults after falling into the 25 category. I can’t tick the 18-24 box. And I don’t know why people think this is an empowering thing. It isn’t. Because now on, whatever I achieve will be less significant because I’m not young. It won’t be as remarkable for me to have a good job or do something cool because it’s no longer possible for me a to considered a prodigy of any kind. I’m now forced to confront my mediocrity and it stinks.

Still hanging out with toxic people: You say this, but toxic people tend to have the best parties and all the sweet hook-ups. Maybe don’t cling to them, but string them along so you can keep reaping the benefits from them. Wow. Maybe I am the toxic person.

Talking about improving your life but never doing anything about it: But if I actually improve my life, I’ll have nothing to write about.

Never leaving your comfort zone: My comfort zone has a decorative ladder and scented candles. I don’t want to leave it.

Keeping your life cluttered: This one told me to let go of all those “just in case” things I’m hanging on to. But this is a bad idea. When I was going to an Oktoberfest a little while ago, I wanted to wear these high-waisted green shorts as part of my costume that aren’t really appropriate to wear in everyday life. I remember thinking that I was going to give them away because they were “just in case” shorts I would never wear. And I was crushed. But then I found my shorts. If I had have culled those “just in case” shorts out of my life, I would have had to fork out for a costume. So the moral of this story is to hang on to everything forever. You will need it. Especially if the world descends into madness and we have to live off grid to survive. You can’t just run out to Bunnings in times like that. Your shitty fish net stockings may need to become actual fishnets one day. Think about it.

Judging the shit out of everyone: This is my actual livelihood. If I stopped doing this I’d have to pick up a trade.

Deciding you’ll only do things when you have the money: It’s this kind of thinking that got us into the global financial crisis in the first place. This is the kind of thinking that sees me going into negatives on my debit card to buy beers. Life’s not a fucking Jeep ad people. Sometimes you do need to hold back, realise you’re being a wanker and live within your means.

Sure, the smashed avos addiction isn’t keeping us from buying houses, but it’s not helping the sitch if you’re putting overpriced toast on your credit card either.

Hanging out with people who aren’t going anywhere in life: Well I guess I better cut myself off from myself then.