Published in The Clifton Courier January 25, 2017

As may become the tradition, I’m going to annotate this column with fresh, juicy updates. Think of this italic jazz as the extras on a DVD. And don’t give me that crap about not watching the extras. Have you ever watched the bonus material on Forrest Gump? It’s excellent. Shut up mate. 

Last week two good things happened. Firstly, I discovered I somehow still had Christmas chockies in my fridge*. But more importantly, the Queensland government smacked down another outlandish attempt to bring Daylight Saving time to our fair state.

* Yeah, said chockies are long bloody gone by now. But thankfully Coles still does those chai chocolate coated almonds. I’m mentioning this in the vain hope that a Coles marketing rep decides to sponsor my posts. I’m not above being paid in confectionary. 

I don’t mean to get all political but I’ve already had three cups of tea and I’m ready for a rant. As a vague incarnation of a journalist (when you mostly write about cute cat and dog videos for a living, “writer” seems like a more appropriate title) I am supposed to be unbiased. But this is an opinion piece of sorts so I’m allowed to favour a particular side. So here it is: I’m a dog person and Daylight Saving time is a terrible idea.

I know, because I’m enduring it right now.

I assume I’m preaching to the choir because I walk around with the notion that everybody thinks like I do, but apparently that’s not the kind of world we live in. If we did live in a world like that, interpretive dance would be a national sport and horsey t-shirts would be considered appropriate corporate attire.*

* Sometimes I sit back and dream about a world run be people like me, and I can honestly say that it would be a fantastic place. Im certain everyone would love it, but that’s only because everyone would only think like me.

So I’m going to try to explain my viewpoint as rationally as possible without resorting to curse words and throwing a glass at the wall.

Reasons I hate Daylight Savings. 

Number one: I can’t get any bloody sleep. I started writing this in a state Mum would call “tired and cranky” and I may well be “carrying on like a pork chop” but I don’t bloody care. It’s 8.16pm and it’s still light outside. It’s not enough to require one of those caps with the neck flaps, but it’s enough to ruin your entire existence.

Because if you’ve over done it during the week and want to have a super early night, you bloody well can’t because it’s too hot and light out. And by the time the sun does go down and things cool off, you’re too overtired to sleep and the cycle continues.

Number two: People in Sydney love it, so of course I hate it. But they don’t use that extra sunlight for anything decent like cleaning all the filth off the streets or installing XXXX Gold on tap in every licensed premise in the city. Instead they waste it by laying out in the sun to brown up for their Insty selfies or going to trendy rooftop bars to scroll through their phones after paying $23 for a cocktail.*

* That’s two boxes of goon, guys. Or at least four Bitters at the Wattles club house. 

Number three: It’s just so arrogant. You’re tinkering with the very fabric of time here. We’re not gods or angels or even Kardashians – we have no right toying with such forces that.

Number four: It assumes people want to do things after work, and that everyone works a 9-5 job. Some jobs require early starts, like farming or being fabulous full-time*, like me. Maybe some people like to get up and do things before work and prefer to secretly slink home in the darkness after clocking off.

* Being fabulous full time takes commitment. It means not smelling like a second-hand gorilla’s armpit. So when you have an early start, you have to have an even earlier one to stray the morning stank off you in the shower. You know the stank I’m referring to. It’s the smell you get after a hot night of basting in your own juices on a mattress topper you haven’t washed in seven years. 

Number five: Sundials, for crying out loud. They were rendered completely useless because some suit wants go to the beach after work. People argue that technology waged war against this quaint garden ornament, but Daylight Saving was its real killer. I would even go as far as to suggest that Daylight Saving was invented by clockmakers as a conspiracy to render the ancient time-telling artefacts obsolete to create more customers. Capitalism strikes again!

Ok, so there’s a non-exhaustive list of my cons against the idea. But in the interests of balance, I do have to present you with pros for Daylight Saving because telling the other side of the story is what good journalists do. So here it goes.

Things I like about Daylight Saving time: It gives me something to complain about.