I’m trying to offload my furniture, and I’m getting really sick of people not falling over themselves to buy my used items.

 

I’ve placed adverts which I thought were informative yet enticing descriptions of my old wares to tempt buyers to scramble for the privilege to own my unwanted gear. Most recently, I’ve put an ad on a website we’ll call “slumspree” for an old desk and an office chair. The desk came into my possession after I moved into an old college friend’s room. He didn’t seem to want to deal with the hassle of selling it and I couldn’t be arsed to get rid of it, so it stayed. The office chair was a gift I received from my old workplace after my boss’ wife’s work upgraded their chairs and gifted their old seats to us – like a game musical chairs except way less tense. The furnished multiple rooms nicely and have done their jobs of holding both myself and my stationery off the floor. But I’m downsizing and they have to go. Unfortunately, the word bait I used for buyers hasn’t attracted a single nibble.

 

Sure, “used” doesn’t sound overly enticing. But the items I try to sell are quality goods. It’s not a pair of stretched out, crusty knickers I’ve put up for sale. These things may be well loved, but they’re not total garbage.

 

Add this with the fact that I was given full marks on an assignment all about advertorial just this week (I don’t want to brag, but I’m going to because I need the validation. I don’t like my chances of getting any other gold stars in the near future so I’m going to cling to this high mark like Mark Latham clings to relevance), I’m not talking 87 per cent or 92 per cent. I’m talking about the triple-digit mark. I’ve never met my tutor face-to-face, but I imagine this learned sir is the kind of guy who has at least one tweed suit jacket and is a well-read savvy man with, as far as my baseless assumptions can tell, a cavadoodle (which means he has a good and true heart, I suspect). He wouldn’t just give me good marks if I didn’t deserve them, so I must be at least not total rubbish at floogin wares.

 

So I’m surpsied as to why I haven’t got a better track record with palming off my shit to other people.

 

Appalled, actually.

 

I’ve gone back through my computer files and pulled out two other ads that went on the same website, we’ll call it “dumfree” for now, and am scratching my head. The old saying “you can’t polish a turd” is an eternal truth, and while I’m not saying my items were dreadful, they weren’t brand new. So I thought that there was no point in pretending otherwise. And if I’m not going to set the bar too high, I might as well set it unremarkably low. Apparently advertising is all about building relationships with customers, and I didn’t want to be the advertising equivalent of a fuckboy. I wanted to be honest with my customers about what they were getting themselves into, but I also wanted them to like me. And I think my copy reflected that:

 

ADVERT FOR AN OLD ARMCHAIR

“If you’ve ever wanted to nestle yourself in the folds of a heavy smoker’s uterus, this is perhaps the closest you’re going to get without ending up having struggling actors doing terrible re-enactments of your behaviour on a late-night Channel 7 crime series. Sink into the plastic plushness of this armchair, and wonder no more what a close up of Donatella Versace’s neck looks like. Like leather but nowhere near as luxurious, this armchair covering makes you question your morals. Not because you’re picturing a calf having its skin peeled, but because you know you nestling in the sweat stains of strangers shouldn’t feel so good.

 

Features include: browness; authentic pleather wrinkles; sweat stains from the various relatives of mine who you don’t know but may just begin to smell like.

 

Bonus: Anything you find in the cushions if yours to keep. I haven’t checked what lingers in the folds of that imitation leather, so it is essentially a Lucky Dip wrapped in big, brown packaging. Who knows what treasures you could unearth!?”

 

ADVERT FOR AN OLD SHELF DAD SAVED FROM LANDFULL

“This excellent use of dead tree is far from a furniture abomination, but rather a technology buff’s dream. Equipped with state-of-the-art shelving technology, this piece will hold various items off the floor, nodding to the world-wide trend of using physical objects to create a barrier between household goods and the ground. A cutting edge hole has been added to this piece to maximise user versatility. Use the carefully-constructed void to thread through electrical cords, spy on your friends, or become the prankster of the year by shooting your grandmother with a Nerf Gun out of nowhere– the possibilities are endless! The shutters were engineered for multiple displaying options, as well as creating that highly sought after what-was-the-carpenter-actually-doing look. Yes, this piece is so on-trend that it needs its own hashtag.

 

Pounce now to become the envy of all the acquaintances you keep on social media purely to boost your self-esteem.”

 

I ended up dropping both pieces off at the local tip to be recycled.

 

Looking back, I think I can see my problem. I had neglected on very critical rule when it comes to online spruiking: include sizing. Thankfully I have learned from the mistakes of my past and tacked on some measurements to my ad before posting it.

 

I’ve got a bit of time left until my advert expires and I haven’t had anyone enquire about the items, but I’ve got a good feeling.