My Friday night has revolved around an onion.

Let’s face it, I have been thinking non-stop about this onion since it came into my life on Wednesday. It’s legitimately the size of a grapefruit and therefore is some kind of gift from god.

I spied it at a butcher’s shop and couldn’t walk past it. I was mesmerised by this basketball of a vegetable, but I didn’t realise how much it was rooted in my mind until I caught myself, not five minutes ago, staring at a photo of the onion in my hand being compared to its smaller, nowhere-near-as-sacred peer in my other hand. I had previously forced my housemate to drop what she was doing and take a photo of this over-sized tear-inducing blessing from the heavens. Because I had to record and share this miracle.

I was staring at this photo for anywhere between 34 seconds and 17 hours; it felt like an eternity was wrapped up in those moments staring at my smartphone. I actually thought, “this should be an album cover, how can I get this on the cover of a CD?”.

This was when I exited out of Instagram and locked my phone.

I’ve already sent the photo to four of my colleagues and a fantastic friend from college. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t considering putting it out on my newsfeed. In fact, as I wrote that previous sentence I was thinking about creating a social media profile for this savoury bulb.

The trouble is, I’m worried about the subtext that would be attached to the Instagram photo of this monster of a vegetable. I mean, what I really want to say with my photo is “this onion is large, especially in comparison to this normal-sized onion”, but that’s not the only the entirety of the message I’ll be broadcasting.

Because there’s no such thing as an Instagram photo that is just a photo; there’s always an underlying message that goes with each square of social media imagery. Intentional or not, something extra always goes out with the photo. I could post the photo, filter-free, and there a number of inferences it could inspire:

• It’s 11.54pm on a Friday night. Old Mate here is a little drunk and is disproportionally amazed by this vegetable. She’s obviously with someone, as she didn’t take the photo herself. Maybe Old Mate here is at a party. Good for her!
• It’s 11.54pm on a Friday night. This Bitch is a little drunk and is disproportionally amazed by this vegetable. But I know she hasn’t got a lot of friends where she is, and judging on her previous pictures, her life is pretty pathetic. This Bitch is obviously drinking alone…good for her… *coughs to indicate sarcasm.
• It’s 11.54pm on a Friday night. Sweetheart is disproportionally amazed by this vegetable. This photo is perhaps the first piece of online evidence of her inevitable descent into madness. Is liking this good for her?

The lack of filter also implies that I am authentic and too lazy (read: cool) to conform to the trend of using a pretty effect on my photo, and is not like all those “fake girls” you know. I know damned well that those filters are there: they’re easy to use and can make a photo look really good. I’m different and I don’t care what anyone thinks (at least, that’s what I want you to think).

If I were to add an onion pun – such as, “it I my opONION that this is a large vegetable” – you cold infer that I am deeply humorous because I make so-bad-it’s-good jokes. I’m also a word wizard because of the way I warped the English language like a ring from Equip left in the sun. I’m smarter than you. And just look at how funny I am in my other posts! See! I don’t have a single selfie or Throwback to Thursday! That’s because I’m not narcissistic, shallow and self-obsessed like everyone else on social media who forces people to look at how beautiful they are and validate it by liking my pictures – but just look at the funny jokes I make… like it now! I’m different and I don’t care what anyone thinks (at least, that’s what I want you to think).

Now, if I were to add a filter, it would firstly indicate that I know how uncool and basic using filters are, and use it not to make the photo look good but to show that I’m not going to exclude an image-enhancing filter just because I’m a self righteous non-conformist. I’m above trying to be like every “different” girl in the high school romcoms who gets the guy in the end. I’m not like those girls. I’m different and I don’t care what anyone thinks (at least, that’s what I want you to think).

Depending on what filter I use, I could be telling the world that my onion is better than theirs. I could be trying to point back to the glorified past, using a nostalgic smoke screen to nod to yesterday (when things were simpler, and I was still better than you). I could be evoking emotions; feelings that got to a whole new level of depth you could never even fathom (my thoughts are so intense and philosophical, much better than yours). I could use a filter to convey how much healthier my diner choice of a bladder-sized onion was healthier and superior in every way to yours (my digestive system is better than yours). I could go on forever.

And don’t even get me started on those hashtags.

The problem is that every picture DOES speak 1000 words, but that gets multiplied by how many people see it, because everybody reads it differently. And I’ll admit, I DO want people to think I’m funny. I do want to virtually shit all over every other pleb’s onions for ants. Hell, I even want them to think I’m into clean eating. I want people to think my life is fantastic, even though I can’t shave my right armpit properly because of my cast and probably am becoming oblivious of the stench those bastard hairs are trapping in.

But mostly I just want them to marvel at the wonder that is this onion, and I don’t think I can let my insecurities get in the way of that… because I’m different and I don’t care what anyone thinks.