*I am being signed up for a loyalty club to save a whole seven dollars off my six pack of cider.

Me: *tells chatty loyalty club sign-up guy my birthday as he fills in my personal details.

Chatty Loyalty Club Sign-up Guy: Wow. You have the exact same birthday as my sister.

Me: Is she a cool as me?

Chatty Loyalty Club Sign-up Guy: No.

Me: Is she a giant loser?

Chatty Loyalty Club Sign-up Guy: …We don’t talk anymore. She hasn’t spoken to me in years.

Me *Saddened, but supremely thrilled that I have been put in a position in which I can mend the sorrows of a complete stranger with some deep, uplifting words. Searches soul to come up with bittersweet wisdom gained from my years as a profoundly emotionally-attuned person to ease this young man’s pain and point him to the path of healing and forgiveness. Runs through extensive vocabulary to couch my soothing sentiment in sensitivity and a touch of poetic flair.

Me: Wow. She IS a loser.