Published in On Our Selection News May 29, 2014

Nothing throws off a good morning quite like putting on a pair of pants.

Not only because this confirms that you’re no longer in bed, but because most pants (hippie pants, trackies and pyjama pants excluded) are designed to destroy your soul. I came across a picture on the internet that labelling pants as “leg prisons”, and I couldn’t agree more. Sure, they’re warmer than most skirts, dresses and kilts (for all our Scottish readers out there!) and they mean you don’t have to be as conscious of the distance between your knees when sitting, but there are many negatives when it comes to these things.

As a grown woman, I make the conscious choice to wear jeggings (a cross between leggings and jeans) instead of their non-stretchy, society-approved predecessors for one key benefit. For some reason, which may have to do with the fact that they were purchased at an infamous youth clothing brand that, according to urban legend, is the French term for “woman with loose morals” (although I’ve never confirmed this rumour, and I don’t intend to in case I disprove it, because I feel it gives the establishment a certain cultural charm), the crotch allows for the wearer to spread their legs as wide as they desire. Perhaps it’s my short stature, but I’ve always found that real jeans are just too restrictive in the way they allow you to move your legs. The crotch of jeans seems to hang at mid-thigh length, which makes me the think of the designer as a diabolical monster who has a personal crusade against my comfort.

It’s not as though I intend to climb trees at work (although I have climbed my fair share of fences while on the job), but I want the option to have full control over the movement of my legs. If I want to stop and bust out a few deep lunges on my way to the water cooler, then that is my prerogative and no pair of pre-approved denim tubes of constriction will get in the way of that. Perhaps this is an issue that only women face, or only short people face, but it is one that we don’t need. And that is why I don the jegs (just to be clear, they have pockets and a fly and resemble jeans more than they would yoga pants).

The fact that I’m even wearing pants is because it’s Winter and in Winter you have to moisturise. Moisturise everything. Especially when you just came out of the shower. Come into contact with water in Winter and forget to moisturise within 5.673 seconds of towelling off and your skin will immediately turn into fish flakes. So as a morning showerer and jegging wearer, I face the struggle of having to put on those clingy cylinders over my legs, which may as well be covered in glue. Because essentially it is a paste – the moisturiser mixes with the millions of dead skin cells coating your legs like a dust, thanks to the Winter winds and forms a thick white mixture, which makes hiking up tight pants a challenge. As you can imagine, this is not a glamorous or relaxing way to start the day. Yet, when faced with a restrictive crotch or paste pants, I’m going to pick the paste pants every time.

Clearly there is a reason that people say “cranky pants” and not “cranky skirt”.