Published in On Our Selection News May 8, 2014

At what age are you supposed to stop giving birthday presents?

I’ve just come from what has been labelled #theyearof21, meaning that along with the joys of large bar tabs and parties that had actual food instead of a packet of stale chips and the vague promise of mi gorreng noodles before bed, I faced my fair share of gift buying. More often that not, I was auto- matically included in the godsend that is the group present. The present-buyers are usually the closest person to the birthday beb, and so take on the responsibility of buying the perfect gift. Not only do you get to ride on this excellent friend’s excellent gift idea, you also don’t have to pay too much for it. You can chip in a measly twenty bucks and still come out of it looking like a great mate. Usually, the only thought you have to put into the gift is the birthday greeting in the shared card (the inevitable dilemna of heartfelt or funny is a tough one, but depending on the card receiver, the standard “you’re beautiful inside and out babe, don’t ever change xx” can go either way).

But now that the year of slightly-too-lengthy slideshows and slab cake are behind me, I face unknown territory. I no longer know if I have to attempt to earn my keep at a party. Because as much as we don’t publicly admit it, party guests are a bit of a nuisance. They use avocado as an adhesive to stick illegible hand-written notes on fridges and eat all the novelty shaped chicken nuggets before anyone can get a hand on them. If you have put up with their company and mess, you’d want to get more out of it than a selfie in your now filthy bathroom mirror. First there’s the question of price, and then the actual gift itself. For example, if the host splashes out for some sushi platters and cake pops (kind of unnecessary and a little awkward because you generally have to eat it in one bite, which isn’t overly dignified – but it’s still cake!), am I supposed to try to cover the cost of my attendance at this gathering? Does the gift depend on the type of food served? Because it would make more sense to give the gift after the event. Because one person’s take on “nibblies provided” can be very different to another’s. A five layer nacho dip deserves much more than a box of half eaten fake Jatz biscuits. And do decorations come into the equation? Because those lengths of bunting and pastel coloured balloons can really add up – and don’t get me started on those cute but wildly impractical dotty paper straws.

Now that I am no longer covered by the automatic group gift clause, I am forced to make gifting choices on my own accord. I’ll try to play on a personal joke (which conveniently tends to be rather cheap) but I don’t have those kinds of jokes with everyone, so I give out a fair few scented candles. The good scented candles are kind of expensive, but I do take that into account when faced with the cheese platter.

Obviously there are many factors that come into play, which make the decision-making formula complicated. I can only conclude that if the provision of food is pre-established and someone is getting older, then it might be awkward if you don’t bring a small gift or at least make an empty promise to shout them a drink. Because there’s no such thing as a free cob loaf.