Published in On Our Selection News December 12, 2013

Gift buying can be an incredibly daunting experience.

Recently, my workplace engaged in the classic office activity of Secret Santa. We interact with each other on a daily basis, so you’d think it shouldn’t be that difficult to find something under $20 that they wouldn’t hate. Surprisingly, this was not the case. Everyone, it seems, had trouble with this novelty task. It’s just a matter of walking into a store, picking something from the shelves and remembering to bring it on the day, right?

Wrong. Because nothing reveals how little you know about a person quite like having to buy them a gift.

The point of a present is generally to show someone that your feelings towards them are somewhat amicable, so it is the norm to gift someone with something they would enjoy. This all sounds rather simple, but if you think about (like I have) you’re really handing over your assumptions and judgements about a person, all wrapped up in a neatly wrapped (or crappily wrapped – that also says a lot) package. Your relationship is summed up by the boxed object you’re presenting to the person. Here’s an example: Gift giver – “Oh I just though you would ADORE this pink wallet – it just screams you!” The receiver responds with “thanks”, but the inner monologue is going something along the lines of “I hate pink. Pink is the colour that vapid bimbos love. Aunty Cheryl thinks that I’m stupid and shallow. She will not be invited to my wedding and I hope her soul burns in hell.”

Just as food comas and choosing inappropriate topics for family conversations as the beers dwindle are sacred Christmas traditions, so too is the festive analysis of gifts. Once the break- fast dishes have been washed, me and my siblings gather to pick apart our gifts and work out who was the best giver of gifts. It’s a little competitive in fact. Winning as the gift giver is fantastic, but being told that you come off as dumb via a pleather wallet is slightly less fantastic. Yes, it sounds ungrateful, wildly stereo- typical of vapid bimbos and reads far too much into the colour pink. You’ve just gained a wallet and Aunty Cheryl did spend her money on you instead of another bottle of wine (although I’m sure that there are some Aunties out there where the latter option would be a gift for the whole family) but if you unpack it, the gift that someone chooses to give you can say a lot.

Being the receiver can sometimes mean being the receiver of a metaphorical slap in the face. And if you keep this in mind, it can make the role of gifter much more troubling. Particularly because if you’re close enough to someone that it would be awkward if you didn’t get them a Christmas present (i.e. family), then it is expected that you know a few things about them. But it’s not enough to know the basics – they love chicken nuggets, or they love Avril Lavigne – because that would result in a soggy package of melted globs of processed chicken offcuts under the tree or someone playing Sk8ter Boi on repeat.

If you’ve got to live with these people, you must be strategic in your gift buying. Go with something they’ve asked for or perhaps, buy a DVD you both enjoy, or a big box of chocolates they’ll feel obligated to share. Just don’t wrap it in pink paper.